Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Winter Solstice Celebrations Started Early

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Freezing news just in… Fans of dogging and public nudity started congregating and fornicating from late last night at the ancient Hammerite standing stones to celebrate today being the shortest day ever in the UK’s history (it’s only seven hours long today instead of the usual 24). I’m told that crowds of lusting onlookers have arrived this afternoon, some with torches for later, to see the sun set over the stones and then as it gets dark catch glimpses of bearded old men and women getting up to mischief behind the stones whilst others dance, sing and rub their nakedness up against the rough stones. Seems a funny way to celebrate the winter solstace but it makes for a newsworthy story. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Get Into The Christmas Spirit This Saturday With Some Smoking Germans

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Good evening Beckworth and happy Winter Solstice. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday Beckworth will be hosting the annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square with the a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair lining the high street. It’s sure to be a wonderful day for smokers and smelly sausage lovers of all ages so get your towels onto the supplied sun-loungers very early.

All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers pottery classes, pipe-rack engineering and sauerkraut construction drop-in sessions which will be held discretely in a porta-cabin in the school playground.

The fairs are your once in a year opportunity to buy flavoured tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and those poncey electric fags alongside seasonal Christmas decorations made from fragments of the Berlin Wall, Angela Merkel fairies to top your tree, Volkswagen car parts, used lederhosen and whatever else it is our German friends sell at Christmas.

Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30 that night to cater for the expected influx of heavy drinking teutonic smokers.

See you there, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Christmas Lights The Big Switch

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Good evening Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening two members of popstar sensations The Fizz (Formerly known as The Nolans) will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. Sadly I can’t name the two members of the band who will be with us but i’m told one is an electrician, so if we have any trouble with the lights (s)he’ll sort ‘em out on the cheap. This year’s Christmas display is surely in the top thirty of the town’s best displays of the last three decades and i’m told is about a forty-three feet long give or take a few feet. If enough bulbs haven’t blown it’s bound to brighten up the high street and be a festive tourist attraction, even for those who know Father Christmas doesn’t actually exist. The more observant amongst you may notice that some of this years lights are in the baked goods as they were once used in TV’s Bake Off before it got sold to Channel 4… See you tomorrow, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

We’re Going Beserking For Twerking

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Hello everyone, your favourite pub landlady here… This is a message to remind you all that next Friday night The Blind Badger will be hosting the 7th Annual International Twerking Finals in our back room. Quite a few of the World’s finest twerkers will be descending on Beckworth in the hope of winning a miniature tin trophy and £550 prize money. Strictly Come Dancing’s ex-“Mr Seven” Len Goodman will be leading the judging panel which includes local celeb and handyman Les Dennis and that bloke off the telly who once played Alfie Moon on Eastenders. A rivetting evening is assured and after the finals Gareth Gates’ Mobile Disco will be rocking the room. It’s only a tenner on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Liquid Night-Rogen. Warning: If you don’t like people wearing flesh-coloured bikinis, showing off their bottoms or grabbing their genitals, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show Back In Town This Week

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Hello all. I just wanted to spread the fantastic news that this Wednesday the annual International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show returns to Beckworth. Last year it was held at the NEC but was a bit of a disaster i’m told. The show (the 16th held in Beckworth) will be opened at 9am by wheelbarrow enthusiast Jeremy Vine and his manager says he will be personally demonstrating many of the exhibits and probably unveiling some gardening firsts. Mr Vine has promised to spend tomorrow painting the village hall and cleaning the loos in preparation for the show. So see you there. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Remember, Remember It’s Actually The 5th Of November Tonight. Not Last Night.

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Hello. Just a reminder that this year’s bonfire celebrations will be happening tonight, after Countryfile. Attractions will include a bonfire made entirely of old tyres and plastic bottles (we’re keen on recycling at the council), quite a few fireworks, a torch-lit choir, vegan food stalls and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made by local school children out of recycled sweet wrappers they collected on Halloween night. Prof Brian Cox will tell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the under-5s once again the local Peppa Pig tribute band will be playing on a small open-air stage (some quickly tied-together crates). Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayo

Harvest Festival Apology

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Dear flock. Apologies for missing last evening’s Harvest Festival service, I was nursing a terrible hangover all day and nodded off late afternoon… By the time I awoke the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows were starting… Thank God I woke in time for those as my video recorder is no longer in the land of the living and I’d have hated to miss such important televisual delights. Anyway my non-service attendance shouldn’t stop you giving generously, so please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch throughout today and i’ll pick them up this evening. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as ready-meals (hint: The verger and I love curry and chillis), oven chips and cornettos (not cheap own brands), please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

Panto Auditions

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Pantomime season will be upon us before we know it and so this week The Beckworth Players will be holding our annual open auditions for some very minor parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. This Thursday we will start looking for fresh talent for our much anticipated 2017 panto (details to be released soon!). Is stardom waiting for you? If so why not audition… All the good parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, but we still need new talent for the parts no one else wants to do. Auditions will be held in our repainted rehearsal space above Chiswicks – The Fishmongers and are open to anyone who’s a feast for the eyes and the ears, so if your best years are behind you or your voice makes young children cry don’t waste our time. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be over 18 or at least look it.

See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

Chip Shop Championships

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Hello. Just a reminder that the final of 2017′s Chip Shop World Championships will be televised on the Dave TV channel tomorrow night from 7.30. Once again i’m pleased to announce that our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah have made it to the final. They’ve never won previously but head chef Rick Stein says he’s got something up his sleeve (a battered sausage?) which should clinch the title at last. Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Local Celebrity’s Shop To Close

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Sad shopping news just in… Local joke and magic shop “You’ll Like This… Not A Lot” (on Floyd Street next to the undertakers) is to close tomorrow due to a lack of customers and the fact it’s owner, and sole member of staff, Debbie McGee is run off her feet appearing on the telly. Ms Mcgee says she hopes to sell the shop as a going concern and if not may change it into a nail bar. Since the sad death of her father, Paul Daniels, in a magic trick gone wrong, Ms McGee has found her career has rocketed. She has recently been showing off her cooking skills (toasted sandwiches are her forte) on Celebrity Masterchef, now she’s strutting her stuff on Strictly and her agent says she’s been booked to appear in the next series of Love Island with Bear Grills. Let’s hope Deborah does well in all her celebrity challenges and finds a buyer for her late father’s shop… Christine Batley. Chief Celebrity Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette