Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Great Fire Forgotten, Then Remembered

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Hello. For those history-lovers amongst you may like to know that Tuesday (5th Sept) marked 351 years since the Great Fire Of Beckworth happened. It sadly slipped my mind, and I sadly completely forgot last year also, which would have been 350 years!!! Anyway, to fill you in… The fire was thought to have been started deliberately, in a very fancy cake makers in Padding Lane (now Floyd Street), by two ruffian teenage graffiti artists Trevor Shrewsbury and Vince Dorchester, in a copycat arson attack following news of the Great Fire Of London had been reported by Beckworth’s town crier. Like the capitol’s big fire many dwellings were destroyed (three including the town brothel) and a few people made homeless for a week. Thankfully in a just a few short hours the ferocious fire was extinguished by a crack team of two volunteer fire-fighters using buckets of urine kindly passed-along the street by near neighbours and and bottles of past it’s sell-by-date milk donated by the local dairy. In no time Beckworth was quickly rebuilt and a small statue of a flaming cake now stands a few hundred yards from the exact spot where the fire is thought to have probably started. Mssrs Shrewsbury and Dorchester were hanged from the town’s gibbet the next day for their heinous crime and their families sent to Coventry on a cart (giving rise to the idiom). Then, in an unforeseen twist, a few months later the owner of the cake shop, a Keith Ippling Esq, confessed it was all an insurance scam and so was also hanged. His family was sent to Eastbourne as Coventry was no longer admitting criminal’s next of kin after so much trouble with the Shrewsbury and Dorchester families.
The legend of the town’s fire lives on in the familiar children’s rhyme Beckworth’s Burning made into a chart-topping rap single (and MP3 download) by Professor Green featuring One Direction
(Beckworth’s Burning, Beckworth’s Burning, Fetch the Neighbours, Fetch the Neighbours, Pour On Urine, Pour On Urine, Fire! Fire!)

So the next time you’re passing the town’s vandalised cake statue spare a thought for the poor souls who lost everything in the great fire of 1666. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

Strike Over… At Last

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Hello and welcome back. May I thank all the readers and contributors of this website for your patience and for the one postcard (of support) I received during our strike-imposed absence during the last few weeks. Thanks to many phone calls with arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them to “work” from home all week and not do any overtime. So now we should be able to resume posting your daily posts… Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Warning: Strike Ahead

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Good afternoon residents of Beckworth. I am sorry to be the bringer of not-niceness but, once again, summer brings forth murmers of anarchy and uneducated discontent. The anarchy to which I refer is the actions of the council’s very lazy labour-voting commy IT department, because once again it is due to have it’s annual strike, so the blog you’re reading may shut down for a while. The strike has been (allegedly) agreed with management and will start this Thursday morning. The husband and wife techy team are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all week, never work any overtime, or answer calls or emails if Game Of Thrones is on telly. Or catch up. Now we are a reasonable employer but this demand is really taking the michael, as these IT b*****ds have recently filled their home office with Game Of Thrones memorabilia hoping to open it as a museum… Although I do believe they are aiming to strike next year to have an office/shed built in their garden, fully furnished and paid by the council. The IT scum now “work” most mornings from their kitchen table before spending afternoons in The Bear & Pumpkin pub, so really are overpaid and work-shy. We’re hoping to go to arbitration as soon as possible, but personally I just want to sack the miserable lefty tossers. Sorry in advance for any hasslement caused. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

New Season Kicks Off Today

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Hello to all our loyal supporters. Just a reminder that both our local footballl teams (the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals) will be in “action” today. Both teams are playing at home in their first new season matches in the Ronseal “Does exactly what it says on the tin” League and in preparation the pitch has been completely leveled and astroturfed. Good luck to both teams, let’s hope this season see’s a performance improvement for the men’s team, for the last 15 or so seasons they’ve had a 100% match defeat record. Once again we have promising under 11′s ,LGBT and women’s teams to pin our cup hopes on as the men’s is so useless. Good luck to all players. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor (and referee)

Local Athlete Misses Out On Medal

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Sad news just in… Whilst all eyes were on Usain Bolt receiving a bronze medal at last night’s World Athletic Championships in London town local interest was firmly on the performance of Beckworth resident Bethany Folkestone. After a two week ban for taking paracetemol before a race Ms Folkestone was back in action and was in top form… After a nail-biting photo-finish in the speed skipping it was announced that nine year old Bethany came last. She is said to be very upset as she suspects that a competitor had deliberately knotted her skipping rope, but like a fairy Godfather Lord Seb Coe stepped in after the race and sold her a packet of travel tissues. Let’s hope Bethany fares better in the egg and spoon race later today… Christine Batley. Chief Rope Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

A Pensioners Cry For Help

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Good morning one and all. This is a distressed missive from a healthy octogenarian so please help if you will. I have lost my favourite underpants. I am not usually one to lose freshly laundered undergarments and so it is once again likely to be local thieves, or prisoners out on a chain gang or perhaps bored school-children targeting the old and vulnerable, such as ones self. I last saw my treasured dark brown paisley-trimmed y-fronts yesterday morning… I’m sure they were waiting to be starched and ironed by my visiting home-help, whilst I went commando and frequented some our fine local hostileries with my close friends Clare Balding and Jeremy Clarkson.  But having returned late last night the pants could not be found. I even looked in the fridge and oven as my clothes often end up there instead of the washing machine. I normally wouldn’t mind continuing to go sans-undercrackers but I fancied wearing my M&S pants on Sunday when I have a young “neice” coming to visit me. The thieves also seem to have stolen a cup of tea I was half way through drinking before I ventured out to the pub. Do these people have no respect for the elderly? If you have you seen my pants or a half drunk cup of tea carelessly tossed into a hedge or tree please let me know or phone the police? Actually, now I look more carefully I may also have lost some biscuits…

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

Corkys Out

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Breaking news just in… Local tennis ace Corky Deptford has just lost to Gilles Muller (heir to the potted rice dynasty) in a nail biting singles match lasting almost 5 hours… The playing by both champs was amazing, but it was especially good for an allegedly blind player. Andy Murray who was watching and taking notes from his mentor said “The guvnor, Mr Deptford, was really on fire today” before adding “In fact at one point, whilst lighting a fag his bandana caught alight, but it was quickly extinguished by an umpire wielding a bottle of sparkling mineral water… And Corky was hardly even put off his serve. What a pro” I caught Mr deptford post-match on his way speedily to the loo and he told me “he almost had the foreign lad on the ropes but had really bad wind which affected his game…” he went onto explain that “yesterday he spent the day boozing, smoking and ended up having a midnight curry” bad luck Corky, But you did us proud. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Coach Trip To Wimbledon

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Hello. This Thursday, 13th July, your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) have hired a coach to visit Wimbledon, and amazingly we still have many seats on the coach and spare tickets to Court No22 going spare. This really is an amazing opportunity for you all to see tennis in all it’s glory and to discover the wonders of going nude in public. My close friend Wayne, once an ex-Wimbledon ballboy himself, has promised one of his great tennis quizzes on the journey there, and hopes this year to show us all the “backstage” parts of Wimbledon usually off-limits to the public including the men’s changing rooms and showers. Maybe Nadal and Federer will be in there cooling off together! We’ve tried accessing these areas in previous years but Wayne is more hopeful this year as he’s befriended an umpire. On the journey “fresh” shop-bought sandwiches and bottled water will be supplied (while stocks last) and included in the price of the coach trip, which is only £749 per person… but remember this is a priceless opportunity, if the sun is shining, to get an all over tan with no white bits and maybe get seen on telly (as has happened in most years when we’ve been asked to cover up). I hope to see you on the coach, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

Wimbledon Today Tomorrow

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Hello all. Don’t forget to watch Today At Wimbledon tomorrow on BBC2 as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford’s fourth-round match against some foreign johnny is highly likely to be shown. Corky is a veteran of Wimbledon who he has always claimed he played one of the first matches when it first opened 140 years ago, which is very impressive, he has also said he inspired Andy Murray and Bjorn Borg to take up the sport. 93 year old Mr Deptford, who is allegedly completely blind and plays by sense of smell alone, will be playing on Court No 67 (close to the Wimbledon Tennis Club players-only toilets) and it promises to be a nail-biting match. Lionel is almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player (9,004th) second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (103 years young and currently ranked 5th in the World). Last year Mr Deptford was hospitalised when he was wrestled to the ground by a 12 year old ballgirl but dismissed the accident “just one of those bl***dy crazy things that happens in World class tennis.” He thankfully discharged himself just in time to loose in the mixed doubles, alongside his long-time tennis partner Wayne Federer (Roger’s Dad). Fingers crossed for Corky this year, who knows he may even make the final for the first time in 30 or 40 years. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette