Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Local Celeb Wins Annual Fish Race Once Again

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Hello. I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, it will be my last in the unlikely event that I don’t get re-elected as mayor (hint, hint). The race was one of the greatest in living memory, with 226 fish competing and probably over a thousand spectators lining the river course. It was a nail biting wait to see who crossed the finish line first with many fish battling it out but in the end it was a very young local novice goldfish named Chips that took the chequered flag in a record time of 1 hour 22 minutes and 3 seconds… This was the 10 month old fish’s first ever race but he comes from good stock (his now-dead mum Rose won in 2014, coincidentally also wearing the lucky no 23) and was trained hard from birth by owner and trainer Robson Green. So congratulations to to Rod and Chips, and well done to all who took part and didn’t try to cheat. G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Proud trainer Rodson Greek holds aloft his winning pet goldfish Chips

Come & Spend A Traditional MayDay With The Beckworth Bothamers

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Today is Mayday, so please spend it with your local Morris Dancers, The Beckworth Bothamers. As tradition dictates we’ll be dancing on the common from midday after we’ve taken in some liquid refreshments this morning and then performing a drunken pub crawl through the town from 6pm. Other attractions during the day will be The WI dancing around the Maypole between jam-making workshops and the crowning of the May Queen (Or thanks to equal opportunities, May King or May LGBT). Please bring the whole family for proper Spring knees-up all set to the sound of bells and accordian. Thanking You. Clifford Pinner. The Beckworth Bothamers

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(Above) An artist’s impression of what a bunch of May Queens and Kings may have looked like before colour was invented

MayDay Fish Race

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After a week celebrating amateur writer made good Will.i.Am Shakespeare our attention turns to the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. It promises to be a fun morning for all the family, but please remember to keep all cats at home.

Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 11 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will once again be local builder, and a big fan of fish, Nick Knowles.

Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

MayDay Mayhem Tonight

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This is a message to all of you who like your metal very heavy and rusty, and your ale cheap and foul tasting. Today, to celebrate May Day, local metal covers bands, Bachman Turner Overdraft, Grey Sabbath, Deep Turtle, and Matt Allica will be turning our beer garden into a muddy moshpit whilst drunkards dance round an improvised Maypole. We’re also hoping headliner Eddie Van Rental will get here in time to play, he’s just waiting to see if he can get his tourbus (a moped) fixed. But if not Bachman Turner Overdraft have offered to play their set at least twice. It’s only sixteen quid on the door, first band are on at 10am, and Mayday’s featured ale at the pub is Freddie Mercury’s Tache. Warning: If you’re coming for lunch with the family it’s probably best to stay in the lounge inside! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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(Above) Bachman Turner Overdraft in action at last year’s May Day. Photo taken by a drunk punter but you get the idea!

A Week Of Shakespeare

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Hello. This week we will be celebrating a major event in Beckworth history in our own unique way; through the power of re-enactment. As locals know it is 399 years ago to the day (give or take a week) that the famous bard, Sir William Shakespeare, passed through the town on his way home from a camping holiday near here. Will’s diary tells us he’d had a great time larking-about dogging and shooting in nearby Slocombe and on his way back to Stratford called into Beckworth’s Ye Olde Blind Badger Inn. A large ploughman’s lunch, some crisps and a cider were enjoyed…. He described the visit as only the wordsmith could, “T’was wicked and I got so well bladdered that I fell off me horse upon closing time!” he wrote. To honour the momentous pub lunch (and also mark his tragic death) The Beckworth Historical Society is joining forces with The Beckworth Players to act out quite a few of Mr Shakespeare’s plays and sonnets (though i’m not sure what one of those is). Everyday for 7 days we will put on a show and stage them, as they did in Mr Will’s day, on the back of a cart parked in McDonald’s carpark. So please come down and hear the Bard’s “words made flesh…” or so it says in an email I was sent by some ponce from The Beckworth Players. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

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(Above) An olden days artist’s impression of William Shakespeare hunting in Slocombe

St George & The Queen’s 90th Birthday

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Hello all. Tomorrow, Thursday, is a big day for the country as our beloved Monarch The Queen celebrates her 90th birthday and we as a council our keen to celebrate. We have decided to hold a parade in HRH’s honour on St. George’s Day (Saturday) so people can attend whilst doing their weekly shop. The small parade through the streets of Beckworth will be led by the Scouts and Brownies marching band, followed by some floats and a paper-mache tank attacking a giant dragon. The latter, which is cleverly mounted on a bike, was made by local school children as a topical allegory in remembrance of both World Wars (which Elizabeth II oversaw as our glorious leader). There will be historical re-enactments on the sports field of many of the great events that have happened in her life being Queen; such as man walking on the moon, the invention of television and the binmen strike of the 1970s. Plans for a flypast of drones (flown by geeky enthusiasts who think they are real pilots) is awaiting permission from the aviation authority. To make it a day out for the whole family we are laying on a bouncy Windsor Castle, putting local prisoners in the stocks so the public can throw rotten veg at them and having St George flag face painting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) An artist’s impression of Thursday’s St. George’s Day parade

Strong Smelling Market In Town Tomorrow

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Hello all. Don’t forget that tomorrow, Sunday, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be in town. It’s your once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses, breads, veg and onions directly from people who smell of garlic, swear profusely, eat amphibian’s legs for breakfast and are drunk and befuddled by mid-morning.

Once again wine won’t be offered after the many drunken altercations in recent years. Nor will we tolerate urinating in the street, not even down opened-manhole covers.

Due to a recent run of bad luck (incarceration, illness, strikes, deaths etc) the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will not, as is tradition, be parading and declaring the market open. Instead local girl Julie Walters will parade along with some girl guides and do the honours at 10am.

Weather permitting there will be events all day for the whole family, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, donkey rides, a coconut shy, a daredevil kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course in the afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2016.

Not to be missed this year the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging a recreation of the making of the Bayeux Tapestry. Using donated fuzzy felt.

So Bonjour to one and all, Mayor Gary Grimsby Beckworth Cheese-Soldiers

(Above) The famous battle-hardened French cheese soldiers who sadly will be absent from this year’s market

Residents Vote On Name For Zoo’s Latest Addition

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Breaking legless reptile news just in…You may remember that four weeks ago Beckworth Zoo was blessed with the arrival of a baby male Anaconda and the excited keepers asked local residents to come up with, and vote for, a suitable name for the cuddly critter. Well the votes have been counted and the results are in…. They are as follows: The third most popular choice with 6 votes was Anna (coincidentally the same name as the baby boy’s mother and father, uncle, grandmother and great-granddad). Second was Snakin’ Stevens with 23 votes but the most popular name by far (with a massive 48 votes) was… drum roll please… Scaley McSnakeface. So well done to all Beckworth voters, the 24′ long baby now has a very apt name. Christine Batley. Chief “Serpent” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Scaley, the cute baby ananconda, having his breakfast earlier today

Free Toast And Haircuts On All Buses This Morning

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Hello and happy April 1st. I’m pleased to announce a special Spring offer to residents today. As an incentive to get residents looking their best and have them save fuel, loose weight and exercise more we’re offering free toast and a haircut to anyone who travels by bus today rather than using their car or walking. The offer finishes at midday so hop on board and put a spring in your step. Yours sincerely Mrs April F. Ool. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

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(Above) An artist’s impression of free toast on a bus (haircut not shown)