Category Archives: Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Peter’s Pipe Dream Of Pickling Plant Panned

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Hello. I just thought i’d let you know that due to public pressure poor ex-Dragon’s Den judge Peter Paphites has withdrawn his planning application to build a pickling plant on the site of the Neolithic buriel mound near Slocombe. I think Beckworth will regret this in the long term as it could have created at least 12 jobs and put the district on the pickles map. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

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(Above) Peter Paphitis, would be Prince of Pickles

Strictly Star To Open Heel Bar

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Hello. Exciting news just in for anyone who’s shoes need repairing. Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman is set to open a heel bar and key cutters on the site of the old pet shop. Len told me over a skinny latte “that the exclusive shop will be called Strictly Heels And Keys and will cater to those who want a more upmarket service when getting their keys cut and shoes repaired” Before adding “I want my clients to leave Strictly Heels And Keys with a spring in their step and a jingle in their pockets.” Len’s shop will be in direct competition, and directly opposite, Dragon’s Den judge Peter Jones‘ Dragon’s Heels And Keys, which has been doing great business since opening in 2008. Mr Peter was unavailable for comment but is said to be unphased about Len’s shop. A friend of a friend of a friend of Peter’s was quoted as saying “Peter says bring it on. He’ll soon put Len out of business… and run him out of town.” So there you have it. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

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(Above) Len Goodman proudly showing off his newly mended “Strictly” heels

Le Bon Set To Open New Store In High Street

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Good afternoon. We at the trade guild are delighted to announce that national treasure Simon Le Bon has been granted planning permission to expand his shopping empire and open a branch in Beckworth. His shop, Le BonMarche, will open on the site of the Grade 1 listed Kitty’s Bakery and demolition work is due to start next week. No doubt Mr Bon’s band Culture Club will be giving him a hand building the new shop, if they can stop singing Calmer Chameleon of course. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Wispa Gold

(Above) Simon Le Bon holding one of LeBonMarche’s best selling discreet ladies’ lines

International Show Opens Tomorrow

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Hello all. Just a reminder that Beckworth’s car parks may be a bit busier than normal this week as we are set to be swamped by foreign and native trade deligations visiting this years’ International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show. This is the 12th year Beckworth has hosted the prestigious show, which promises the unveiling of some World firsts. The grand opening tomorrow at 6.30am will be presided over by no less than Mr and Mrs Wheelbarrows themselves, Richard and Judy Madeley. Tickets are still available for the four day event, so get yourself down to the village hall to see all that’s new in hand-propelled vehicles and to discover the fascinating world of airbourne- water technology. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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(Above) Wheelbarrow fans Richard & Judy “horsing” about in advance
of this weeks International show