Postponed Market On This Sunday

Hello. This is a reminder that last week’s postponed Beckworth annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market has been hastily rescheduled for this Sunday. The free event is taking place in the town hall after a mysterious fire destroyed the heavily insured badly-in-need-of-renovation ancient market hall last Saturday. The market will be opened at 10am by Countryfile‘s Anita Rani and a Z-List celebrity hanger-on Ms Anita met when she won Strictly Come Dancing (It’s someone called Jay who i’ve never heard of but he’s allegedly great with animals. Especially dead ones). It’s bound to be a fascinating day out for the whole family, young, old, blind and infirm, with stalls selling everything from sheepskin underwear, leather chaps to unpasteurized milk and powdered rhino horn. The abattoir will be putting on it’s ever popular “electro” display, Mrs Rani will be giving demonstrations of how easy animal annihilation is and get this…. For just £62 you can even buy your Mum the chance to have a go herself. What better way is there to belatedly say “happy mother’s day Mum” than by letting her get up close to a healthy heffer and humanely “sending it to meet it’s maker”. See you there, and remember to wear old clothes and wellies as there will be animal s**t, blood, knackers and guts everywhere. Cheers, Gary Grimsby. Mayor.

Beckworth Anita Rani

(Above, centre) Mrs Rani psychs herself up with a quick boogie in readiness for killing some defenceless cattle on Sunday

Stereokicks To Switch On The Lights

Hello all. Just a reminder that tomorrow night local dance act, and Strictly Come Dancing hopefuls, Stereokicks will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. This year’s display I can safely say are probably the town’s best ever and stretch a hundred hundred yards or so along the high street from the crematorium to the office licence. With the street lit-up by energy saving light-bulbs in the shape of the stars of Emmerdale and Neighbours it will really feel like Christmas is on it’s way… G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Local dancers Stereokicks forego doing their homework to switch on some lights

Elvis And Bruce Playing Tonight

Great news, the UK’s best 1970s era Elvis Presley and Bruce Forsythe impersonator, Wayne Colchester, will be playing at the Blind Badger tonight before jetting off to Newcastle tomorrow for an X-Factor audition. Wayne will be playing songs from his self-released album “Goin’ Back To Miami (Via Belgium)” and from Strictly Come Dancing. There are plenty of tickets still available for this sell-out show and in honour of Wayne’s gig this weekend’s featured ales at the pub are “Nice To See You, To See You Nice” and “Didn’t We Do Well.”
Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & VenueWayneColchester

Strictly Naturists Dancing

Hello. In five weeks time your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are planning a coach trip to see Strictly Come Dancing. It is bound to be a splendid day out and will include a packed tea on the way there and cocktails on the return. There are plenty of seats left on the coach so come and join us, who knows we might even get to mingle with the stars if my close friend Wayne can get us backstage (he has a friend who does the wigs on Strictly). The trip is a splendid opportunity for the curious to try out naturism, especially as the coach and BBC studio promise to be well heated. If you’re interested please contact me in person (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

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(Above) Local naturist Wayne practices his dance moves at the beach in readiness for watching Strictly being filmed

Strictly Star To Open Heel Bar

Hello. Exciting news just in for anyone who’s shoes need repairing. Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman is set to open a heel bar and key cutters on the site of the old pet shop. Len told me over a skinny latte “that the exclusive shop will be called Strictly Heels And Keys and will cater to those who want a more upmarket service when getting their keys cut and shoes repaired” Before adding “I want my clients to leave Strictly Heels And Keys with a spring in their step and a jingle in their pockets.” Len’s shop will be in direct competition, and directly opposite, Dragon’s Den judge Peter Jones‘ Dragon’s Heels And Keys, which has been doing great business since opening in 2008. Mr Peter was unavailable for comment but is said to be unphased about Len’s shop. A friend of a friend of a friend of Peter’s was quoted as saying “Peter says bring it on. He’ll soon put Len out of business… and run him out of town.” So there you have it. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

Beckworth_Len Goodman

(Above) Len Goodman proudly showing off his newly mended “Strictly” heels