Tag Archives: Jeremy Clarkson

Missing Men’s Underwear

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If anyone finds a pair of men’s “much loved” mustard coloured Y-fronts and matching vest please let me know. I think I mislaid them on the weekend and have only just realised… Or perhaps it was a week ago. I do have a vague recollection of taking them off whilst queueing at a safe two metre distance in the Sainsco carpark whilst i searched for my shopping list (which I thankfully found, otherwise I would have had an empty drinks cupboard and a completely wasted trip). I may have left them in a shopping trolley along with a one pound coin… Whilst on that subject, why does it cost so much to unchain ruddy trolleys? In my day we just had small wire baskets and were happy to have those, though it made carrying large volumes of whisky, rum, gin, vodka and peanuts quite tiresome. Anyway, I believe i may have lost them on the way home due to having recently finished a non-stop 24 hour drinks & video call with my good friends Clare Balding and Jeremy Clarkson and was feeling rather blootered. This lockdown has a lot to answer for. Not least the pubs and off-licence being shut. Anyway if you find my beloved undergarments and the trolley please return them and the £1 coin asap. I feel lost without them as they are my smartest outfit and we mustn’t let standards slip even if we can’t go out. Even to place a bet. Come to think of it they are my only outfit.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

By the way, I may have also mislaid my catalogue bride, answers to the name Marie, not seen her or the plumber in recent weeks…

Do You Know A Good Hangover Cure Brian Cox?

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Hello to all my devoted followers and my beloved hairdresser. Beautiful Professor Brian here to answer your New Year’s question “Is There A Cure For A Hangover?” I’ll keep this brief as for some unknown reason i’ve got a really bad headache and a bout of nausea… When our prehistoric ancestors invented alcohol as a way of forgetting their woes (noisy dinosaurs flattening their mud huts, mammoths eating the family etc) they accidentally gave the world the hangover. For millennia cultures have searched for an elusive remedy… But after 3 or 4 weeks of non-stop hands-on research on behalf of all humankind I’ve discovered that the best cure for a hangover is (drum roll please while i flick my luscious fringe)… to just carry on drinking through the next day… and the next.

So, in the spirit of scientific discovery I’m rushing off to meet my close friends from Top Gear in the wine bar for a shandy or three. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) Professor Cox’s drinking buddy Clarky Clarkson gets the first round in earlier today, who alongside Andy Hamster and Jimmy May are researching hangovers

Top Gear’s Snowy Adventure Seen Filming Outside Town

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I’ve just seen the presenters and crew of telly’s Top Gear programme filming one of their overseas adventures here in Beckworth. Little Andy Hamilton aka “Hamster” was riding a steam powered sledge through fake snow as he raced Jeremy Clarkson on snowshoes and James May on a makeshift snowboard. A woman with a clipboard told me that due to BBC cost-cutting the town is “standing in” for Italy, and the local slag heaps were meant to be the Alps. From where i was standing they looked pretty realistic if not a bit small.  Dick van Preston

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(Above) The presenters of TV’s Top Gear programme count their wages during a break from filming earlier today

Lost: Contents Of Fridge

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Good afternoon. This is a distress signal from a sprightly septuagenarian so please take note if you will. I have lost the contents of my fridge. I am not usually one to lose chilled foodstuffs and so am sure it is the job of local thieves targeting the old and vulnerable, such as myself. I could swear blind that the fridge contained food when I last looked on Tuesday afternoon just before I went out with Clare Balding, Jeremy Clarkson and other close friends to wet the Royal Baby’s head.  Now, having returned from 5 days of celebrating I find the fridge empty. I wouldn’t mind but I fancied some pork pie to help with my head and found it gone. More worrying is the theives have stolen a jug of milk which was a family heir loom (the jug not the milk). The pretty jug was a costly item recently bought from a charity shop along with a nearly new pair of M&S underpants. Anyway I am most distressed that I have nothing comestible to calm my rumblings and so will have to eat out in one of Beckworth’s many hostelries… If they’ll unbar me.  So has anyone anyone seen my food being eaten in the street by hoodies? Have you seen a half eaten boiled egg carelessly discarded in a hedge or three week old baked beans thrown on the roadside? If so please let me know or phone the police? Actually, now I look more carefully I may also have lost the fridge.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

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Have you seen this jug of milk (Above)?