Category Archives: Job Centre

Chilly Themepark To Reopen

Posted on by
1

Iceland Land

Hello. Just to let you know that after a no-expense spared two-month £3,000 face-lift the Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe is to reopen in time for the school holidays and is now recruiting Icelanders (staff). Do you have the required skills to press start and stop to operate the Frozen Chicken Big BBQ Dipper ride? Are you qualified to monotonously stamp the tickets for Ice Lolly Mountain or tell little kids to stop messing around on the Own Brand Cola Dodgems? Do you have the nerve (and a clean licence) to drive the Mini Quiche Party Train or serve far too many drinks to benefit-fraud teenage parents in the Mum’s Gone To Iceland Cocktail Bar? If so they want to hear from you. Iceland Land are an equal opportunities employer so people of all colours, weight and sexual & religious persuasions can apply and they will even accept CVs from the blind and non-ablebodied communities (though of course they probably won’t get an interview). All applicants must be over 18 and have been out of prison or clean of Class A drugs for at least 5 years. So if you live on a council estate why not apply, as the advert says, “It’s Chills and Thrills All The Way At Iceland Land.”

Application forms available online. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

Local Abattoir Opens It’s Doors

Posted on by
Reply

Hello. Just a reminder that this Saturday our local abattoir (Blind Glenn’s Meat Processing on the Slocombe Road, next to the outdoor swimming pool) is throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. It’s guaranteed to be an exciting day out for all the family and although aimed at the bone idle members of the community everyone is welcome. So come and meet the animals, try the equipment and at the end of the day take home some cheap meat or sheepskin coat you’ve just seen made. For the partially sighted and blind we’ve got animal recognition classes (would you know your ass from your heffer just by touch?), and for the able-bodied there are demonstrations on animal restraint, halal slaughter and hygienic effluent disposal. For the under-fives there’s Pin The Tail On The Carcass, an Ice Cream van and, weather permitting, donkey rides. It really will be fantastic, so see you there.

By the way, more local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

This Week Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

Posted on by
Reply

briefcase-dog

Hello. Just a reminder that starting tomorrow it’s National Take A Dog To Work, Or School, Week. And as the name helpfully implies it’s a time to introduce our canine friends to the world of jobs, or full-time education. And fear not if you’re not in education, or are workshy, the unemployed can take dogs (and bitches if we’re being PC) to sign on or to accompany them to the off license and betting shop. And let’s not forget our retired friends, they can take a dog/bitch along to visit a loved-one’s grave or to buy the Daily Mail. Confusingly, dogs remain banned from hospitals but nurses could try sneaking them in to hide under the beds and cheer up the patients.

“But I haven’t got a dog to offer work-experience to” I hear the non-dog owners amongst you cry! Fear not, why not borrow one? The local dog’s home are running a Dog-Intern Scheme, whereby they lend you a pooch for the week and on Friday just return it no questions asked.
And great news; local employers offering internships to those that bark have also agreed to supply complimentary dog bowls and mid-morning bones. So what are you waiting for, now man’s best friend can also be a bitch at work. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus