Harvest Festival

Posted on 11/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5.45pm and finishing by 7pm so I can get home to watch both the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows. Thank God for such a wonderful Sabbath. If you stupidly turn up after 7pm and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out tomorrow morning. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Please donate your freshly harvested frozen food to the church

Easter Services This Easter

Posted on 02/04/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy Easter and to invite you to the services we are having this weekend. This evening at 7.30 will be the traditional Maundy Thursday Service. In accordance to the Holy teaching and to remember the last supper we will eat fish and chips in the pews and afterwards I will wash the feet and socks of members of the congregation. Tomorrow at 10am we will have our Good Friday service, including a blessing of baby chicks and lambs, followed by St Faith’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday Sports Day. Hosted by us every Easter to remember the time our Lord was crucified and then rolled away a stone to “rise again.” We will celebrate with all faiths, whether they believe in one God or numerous, and come together to share a love of competitive sports and finding cream-eggs hidden around the church yard. On Sunday we will have 4 Easter services, at 8am, 11am, 3pm and 6pm and Monday we will have a mass at 11am and a blind-fold egg and spoon race through the grave yard afterwards. I trust we will see you at most of the services. Happy Easter and God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) An artist’s impression of the inspiration behind the Maundy Thursday foot spa

Celebrate The Patron Saint Of H2o’s Feast Day

Posted on 09/03/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. Tomorrow is the Feast Day of St Noah, the patron saint of water and we will be holding a memorial service in the morning at 7.15. During the mass we will be telling the story of Noah and the floods with many parishioners coming in couples and dressing up as the animals he rescued. Don’t worry if you can’t attend the wonderful aquatic service as I am asking people show their gratitude to Noah by overfilling baths and sinks, getting out hoses and water-logging gardens, blocking roadside drains, damning local rivers and streams to create mini floods all over the town and countryside. God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Celebrate Noah’s Day By flooding your home. Or someone else’s.

St Norris’s Day This Evening

Posted on 12/02/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. Today is the Feast of St Norris and we will be holding a memorial service this evening at 7.45. During the mass we will be reflecting on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform in the dark after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. Young and old parishioners are welcome, although the service will include some scenes of mild nudity and swearing. And please remember to wear feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. So see you this evening sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) A parishioner celebrates St Norris’s Day in style. In a wood.

Remembering Churchill

Posted on 30/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening we will have a 7.30 Mass in honour of Sir Winston Churchill. The wartime leader, recently voted the greatest Britain of all time, was also a nobel prize winning poet and distinguished seller of cheap car insurance. Mr Winston was buried this day 50 years ago in a tomb a mere 213 miles from Beckworth, and as was done in 1965 he will be accorded a torchlit 21 gun salute by local scouts at 7pm. After the service tea and biscuits will be served, whilst key moments of the ex-president’s life are played out by The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors. See you this evening, and may your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Sir Churchill pictured flouting the smoking ban earlier last century

Caught Out By Cheap Champagne, Strictly & The Clock’s Changing

Posted on 26/10/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. As you will no doubt have noticed I was absent from the church service this morning and for that I beg your forgiveness. As God is my witness I have a good excuse, which I hope you will read before judging me. Last night the Bishop held a little “Strictly” party, which as the champers overflowed and my attempts at dancing got a little out of hand I blacked out due to over-excitement. The guests helped the Bishop put me to bed in his guest room and then forgot about me… When I awoke it was morning, 7.30 by my watch, and I was still a little worse for wear. I managed to get a bus home to the vicarage whereupon I remembered it was time to change the clocks, but I foolishly put them forward not back. To cut a long story short by the time I arrived at the Church the wafers and wine had been devoured and everyone had gone home. As I said i hope you will forgive me, and trust I will see you all at six for evensong. Yours Rev C Knutsford. St Faith’s

(Above) Me on the way to the Bishop’s party last night

Good Friday Multi-Faith Sports Day & Egg-Hunt

Posted on 11/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. As you will no doubt know, this Friday is Beckworth’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday open day at the church. Hosted every Easter in recognition of the day our Lord was “put to sleep” then “rose again” we celebrate how all faiths, whether they believe in God or not, can come together to share a love of competitive sports and finding cream- eggs around the church yard. Last year my congregation were roundly beaten in the track events, especially the three legged race where we were literally left standing by the legions of mosque and synagogue goers. So fellow “God-botherers” we’ve got everything to play for, our pride is at stake. So whether you are born-again, a Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Jihadist, Rastafarian, a part-time atheist, Asian, Black or White, rich or poor, it is a great time to celebrate our differences and come together in praise of Jesus. See you at 3 in the church vestry where we’ll be handing out tabards. Yours Rev C Knutsford. St Faith’s

(Above) Well hidden eggs await multi-faith treasure seekers today

Wear a Feather In Your Hat Today

Posted on 12/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. As you probably know today is the Feast of St Norris and we will be holding a memorial service today at 11. All are welcome and remember to wear feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. The service will reflect on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. So see you later this morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) A church goer remembers it’s St Norris’s Day and wears a feather in his cap

Come and Sample Cheeses With Jesus

Posted on 04/01/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. Now that Strictly has finished, and The Voice is an abomination to my rather jaded ears, I find myself with a void to fill on Saturday evenings. And rather than let the devil make work for my idle hands I have decided to start up a Cheese appreciation society (washed down with lashings of Communion wine and bible stories). If you are over 18, and not driving, please join me tonight at 6.30 in the vestry. Dress casual yet with respect to the Lord (so no short skirts or low-cut tops for the ladies, nor trainers and tracksuits for the men). God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) One of the fine cheeses (accompanied by toast) we will be sampling with Jesus tonight

Christmas At St Faiths

Posted on 24/12/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 3.30pm this afternoon. This is due to the council’s health & safety department declaring that Christmas Eve services can now only commence in daylight hours. Other wonderful news is that church warden Noddy Holder is now fully recovered from his hernia operation and will be dusting off his vocal chords to lead his “Slade Singers” in the carols, and hosting a “Karaoke With Jesus” session in the crypt straight after the service. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all today.