Hello my flock. Today is the Feast of St Norris and we will be holding a memorial service this evening at 7.45. During the mass we will be reflecting on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform in the dark after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. Young and old parishioners are welcome, although the service will include some scenes of mild nudity and swearing. And please remember to wear feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. So see you this evening sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) A parishioner celebrates St Norris’s Day in style. In a wood.