Hello. Apologies for the continued annual strike by the council’s IT department and therefore the lack of lack of posts on this site. With Andy Murray out of Wimbledon the strikers have now agreed to go to arbitration, probably as soon as tomorrow morning if they wake up early enough (they have told me they rather like having a lie in and not working). Sorry for any inconvenience, G. Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) Andy Murray pictured in action earlier, before his disastrous trouncing at Wimbledon
Hello. Apologies for the lack of updates on the site, this is due to the annual strike by the council’s IT department. This year’s strike has caught us on the hop as it’s occurred a couple of months earlier than normal (coincidentally at the same time as the world cup). This year staff are demanding one day working from home (not really feasible as neither of them have internet at home, although installing Sky is on their list of demands) and they want Friday afternoons off to enjoy both lunch time and happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. We’re hoping to go to arbitration, which may happen this week as England seem likely to be out of the world cup very soon. Sorry for the inconvenience, G. Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) Beckworth’s striking IT department are joined by sympathetic passers-by on the promise of free cakes and coffee if they mill about about and look vaguely menacing
Apologies all. This weekend’s News At Ten fan convention has been postponed as the scout hut has been double booked with local actress Helen Mirren’s hen do. I’ll let you know the new date when I have it. Gary Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) News At Ten’s Sir Terry McDonald OBE who was due to be signing autographs and selling merchandise in the scout hut this weekend
Hello all. I trust you all enjoyed the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race as much as I and weren’t put off by the anti-vivisectionist’s scuba division trying to delay the race by swimming with the racing fish. The event was only held up by 20 minutes whilst the protestors were caught by local anglers and there weren’t too many serious injuries. Congratulations to Robson Green whose pet goldfish Rose won the race in record time. It was the third time Rose had raced in the event but she’d never got a podium position before, so well done. Perseverance and daily training really paid off. G.Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) Rose proudly shows off her gold medal, with owner and trainer Robin Green
Hello all. Please note that tomorrow it’s the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, and the good news is the bookies will be opening early so you can have a flutter on our scaley racers. So go on, treat yourself. The race is a must for all the family, but please remember not to bring any pet cats or kittens. We want to avoid any entries being eaten before and during the race, as has happened in previous years.
Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 12:30 for the weigh-in. Just to clarify, although sharks are fish they are still banned from the competition. The race will start at 2 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local celeb and TV’s Mr teetotal, Keith Chegwin (himself a big fan of angling). See you tomorrow, weather permitting (if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool). G.Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) Last year’s worthy winner Norma Neston with her trainer Des
Hello all. Don’t forget this Sunday, 4th May, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be back in town. This is your chance to buy expensive french cheeses and onions directly from stall-holders who will only accept payment in euros and who can be rude to customers in two languages. And because Monday is MayDay we’ve decided to coincide the bank holiday celebrations and make the market day a two day event. This will mean our wonderful French guests staying overnight at the local campsite in ex-army tents supplied by the brownies. So please give that part of town a wide berth after 9pm on Sunday.
As with previous years alcohol won’t be offered for sale due to past drunken incidents. Nor will we tolerate urinating in the street, except at the repainted pop-up urinals outside the undertakers.
The Emmental Fromagiers are due set off from from Town Hall steps at 10am on Sunday, and if they’re sober again on Monday, parade along Floyd Street past the ongoing fracking into the Square and then declare the market open.
Weather permitting there will be events for the whole family on both days, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, a kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course on Monday afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2014. Not to be missed will be the “now all electric” steam-driven carrousel and dodgems, a coconut shy, Flintlock Farm’s Mobile Petting Zoo and we are pleased to welcome back, after a short spell in prison, Derek Shipston’s (non-violent PC) Punch & Judy show. Once again the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be blowing us all away, this year they plan to stage The Life Of Joan Of Arc at The Sports Field (if they can get permission from health & safety officials).
Bonsour, Mayor Gary Grimsby
(Above) Monsieur Marcel Sausage pictured pre-fist fight at last year’s market
Hello. Don’t forget that Beckworth’s annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market is on today. The free event is taking place in the Sainsco car park and will be opened at 10am by Countryfile‘s John Craven and his co-host who’s name escapes me. It’s a day out for the whole family, with stalls selling everything from sheepskin coats to cosmetics made from donkey entrails. The abattoir will be putting on it’s ever popular displays, and for £50 you can even buy your Mum the chance to have a go herself. What better way is there to say “I love you Mum” than by letting her get up close to a healthy ram and humanely putting it “to sleep”. Apologies in advance: due to last year’s sheep dip “invasion” by a group of eight and nine year old anarchists the dipping trough will be heavily guarded by drunk farmers. See you there, and remember to wear wellies as there will be animal s**t everywhere. Gary Grimsby. Mayor.
(Above) Follyfoot Farm’s mobile sheep dip photographed last year just before juvenile anarchists jumped in it
Hello all. Just a reminder that today at 2pm the town’s traditional St Patrick’s Day Parade will be setting off from the town hall. We are predicting that about six floats and an Irish marching band will be taking part so there’s plenty for the whole family to see. Due to fracking on the high street the parade will take a slight detour this year, going through the council estate, past the mosque and nuclear energy plant before ending up at the playing fields where this year’s Shamrock Queen will be crowned. The parade will then return along the same circuitous route ending up at The Blind Badger pub car park where traditional Irish refreshments are being laid on. It’s bound to be a grand afternoon and celebrations in the pub will probably last most of the week as they’ve got 24 hour opening until Tuesday. So “have a grand St Paddy’s day and have a drink on the little people” as they say in the emerald isle. Gary “The Leprechaun” Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
(Above) A traditional float from the Beckworth St Patricks Day Parade, circa 1920, with The Shamrock Queen on top (Photo courtesy of Beckworth Museum)
Hello all. I am honoured to announce that Beckworth council is hosting a world premier next week when the Chinese State Mime School will be performing their new show, Up In Smoke, on a trailer in the town hall car park (next to the bottle bank). Geri Halliwell, herself a black belt in mime, has brought them to the UK at her own expense and has seen a rehearsal hastily recorded on a mobile phone. She told me it was a very poor quality recording but she could just make out that it was a cautionary tale warning of the perils of pipe smoking in hot air balloons. Given the school’s reputation in mime circles it will probably be first class. Tickets are £10 each and there will be performances daily all next week at 11am, 2pm and 6pm. Sorry, but due to some adult content it is over 18s only. Yours Gary Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Not to be missed next week The Chinese State Mime School will be performing their new show, Up In Smoke, on a trailer in the town hall car park
Happy New Year To You All. I trust everyone enjoyed last nights’ council funded entertainment at the edge of the waterlogged sports field. The traditional burning of Old Man Beckworth, to say goodbye to 2013, thankfully went off without a hitch, no one ended up in the Burns Unit unlike most years. A big thanks to Kirstie Allsopp for knitting such a great effigy, and thanks to her husband Phil Spencer for making such a realistic paper-mache Baby Beckworth to welcome in 2014. My personal highlight was seeing the New Year in watching the local Scout’s brass-band cover the hits of Guns ‘n’ Roses whilst I clutched a half-frozen Delia Smith veggie kebab and chatted to new residents Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (who hope to have Beckworth’s first “nail bar” open by March). I must apologise for the lack of a pyrotechnic display, this was due to the fireworks accidentally getting set off a day early by confused council staff (they got the dates mixed up, which could happen to anyone). All the best for a healthy and prosperous 2014. Mayor G. Grimsby
(Above) Mr and Mrs Phil and Kirsty Allsopp on their way to grab a kebab last night