Tennis’s Second Oldest Player Playing On Court Today… Or Tomorrow

Breaking Wimbledon new just in (In truth I knew last week but I’m only just reporting it)…. Local boy made good (and Wimbledon’s oldest competitor) Lionel Corky” Deptford will be playing “mixed” doubles with Andy Murray’s second cousin Sandy later today, or tomorrow if they can’t get a court to play on… It will hopefully be shown live on BBC2 or on something called red button (which I think is another word for the internet). 95 year old “Corky”, a wildcard choice to play the Grand Slam, was sadly knocked out in the first-round singles matches last week, by his own Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham. I didn’t see the match myself as it clashed with Nedal (I think), or I may have been out shopping. I’m told it was a thrilling match with Corky and his opponent Cocky having the quickest match in Wimbledon history. The completely blind Mr Deptford told me over the phone that “the little b*****d didn’t let up or give me a chance” and that his gout had been playing up… After a coughing fit he went onto add that he’d desperately needed the loo so was glad when the grudge match was over… Lionel is still almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player though his ranking has slipped to 16,174th place, in age he is second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (105 years young and currently ranked 56th), who sadly couldn’t get a flight to compete at Wimbledon. Mr Deptford went onto say his new gender-fluid doubles partner Sandy is so much better than last years (Wayne Federer, Roger’s Dad) and he hoped they’d make it to the finals. Fingers crossed. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Corky Crashes Out

Exciting sports news just in… I’m sure we were all cheering on local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford yesterday, as he played in the quarter finals at Wimbledon on Centre Court. It was so disheartening to see the almost-completely blind 91 year old survivor of two hip replacements roundly thrashed in straight sets by a player almost four times his junior. And despite getting into a fist-fight with a ball-girl, Corky did Beckworth and England proud. And as he said in a post-match interview “never mind there’s always next year…” But it’s easy for him to be positive, what did he have to lose? I’m unhappy as I had a £10 bet on him winning in the final against Andy Murray. So it wasn’t a good day for me! Christine Batley. Chief Betting On Tennis At Wimbledon Reporter. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Corky in action against Richard Gasquet earlier yesterday at Wimbledon

Wimbledon Wednesday

Hello. This Wednesday, 8th July, your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are going by coach to Wimbledon and fortunately for you we still have some room on the coach and spare tickets to Court No1 left over. This really is a golden opportunity for you to discover the wonders of going nude in public and to see some, hopefully, wonderful tennis being played. My close friend Wayne, himself an ex-Wimbledon ballboy (until he was sacked for being too old, slow and undressed), has promised a tennis quiz on the journey there and to show us all the “backstage” parts of Wimbledon usually off-limits to the public including the players changing rooms and toilets. Maybe Andy Murray will be there? Cooling off in the showers! Sandwiches and bottled water will be included in the price of the coach trip, which is only £715 per person but remember, if the sun is shining you’ll get an all over tan for nothing and probably get seen on telly (as has happened in previous years when we’ve been asked to cover up). I hope to see you on the coach, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) Wayne, a local Beckworth naturist, enjoying the Wimbledon tennis last year

Local Lad On Centre Court Today

Sports news… Don’t forget to watch Wimbledon on telly today as our (only) local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford is playing on Centre Court. He is playing young Columbian hopeful Santiago Giraldo and after Corky’s amazing trouncing of Andy Murray last year it promises to be a riveting match. Although he is almost-completely blind, 91 year old Lionel is the second oldest ranked tennis player in the world (ranked 631) and plays by sense of smell only. He only took up the game upon retirement and when interviewed last year modest Mr Deptford put his extraordinary win over Mr Murray down to the wonder of drugs like viagra, a red meat diet, having a lot of sex and the fact that due to some injury or other Mr Andy was “absolutely useless” on the day. Fingers crossed Corky has similar luck again and annihilates Giraldo today, it would be wonderful to see him in the final. Stranger things have happened! Christine Batley. Chief Tennis From Wimbledon Reporter. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Corky warming up at Wimbledon earlier today’

Continued Strike Action

Hello. Apologies for the continued annual strike by the council’s IT department and therefore the lack of lack of posts on this site. With Andy Murray out of Wimbledon the strikers have now agreed to go to arbitration, probably as soon as tomorrow morning if they wake up early enough (they have told me they rather like having a lie in and not working). Sorry for any inconvenience, G. Grimsby. Mayor

Beckworth_Andy Murray

(Above) Andy Murray pictured in action earlier, before his disastrous trouncing at Wimbledon