At Last, GBH Is Allowed On The High Street

Posted on 09/12/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

A big thank you to the local town planners for at last seeing sense and allowing Beckworth’s high street to be invigorated by the opening of a branch of GBH (Grand Burger Hut). This was a long fought battle as nimby’s didn’t want more chains coming to the town nor did they want a 16th house demolished to make way for the restaurant. But common sense prevailed and we can look forward to having our fifth burger joint opening, which should bring 7 jobs to the town. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

End Of The Road For TV’s Apprehended Apprentice

Posted on 26/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

A big commiseration to local lass Leslie Warwick as she was this week denied bail and had to exit from TV’s The Apprentice. I think she has been stitched up just because she had useful info on Lord Al Sugar. I’ll be fighting Ms Warwick’s corner, so good luck with the court case Leslie. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

World First Unveiled At Today’s Show

Posted on 25/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to spread the great news that today’s International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show held annually in Beckworth has made news the whole World over. After opening the show Jeremy Vine kindly toured the show, demonstrating many of the exhibits and finally unveiling a gardening first. Gasps were heard around the exhibition when, on behalf of hose accessory makers Deck & Blacker, Mr Vine revealed to the assembled public a life-changing product. A self-spinning sprinkler with more holes than previously thought possible. Approximately 24. The item is due to go on sale in time for Christmas next year and will feature Jeremy dressed in his dancing gear on the packaging. It will certainly feature in my letter to Santa in 2016. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

International Show Opens Tomorrow

Posted on 22/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to let you know that this years’ much anticipated International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show will be opened at 9am tomorrow by big gardening accessory fan, and local ballroom dancer, Jeremy Vine. The village hall has been swept and extra toilet roll stocked in anticipation of the prestigious garden accessory show and no doubt “The Jezzster” will be personally welcoming fellow implement fans from all around the World. This is the 14th year that Beckworth has hosted the IWAGSS and it’s bound to make news headlines. Every year there are many new products launched at the event and many exciting gadgets for the green- and light-fingered to handle. So see you there. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Jezza Vine pictured earlier this month whilst performing a dance on Strictly

Local Apprentice Still On Track To Win

Posted on 12/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Well done to local lass Leslie Warwick as she once again ducked getting fired from TV’s The Apprentice. This week Lord Al Sugar kicked a record three candidates off the show as they really were c**p. And although Leslie was back in the boardroom for the sixth time and the cause of the teams failure to win Sugar sent her back to the house. Reminding him she had a very compromising photo of him certainly helped save her. It won’t be long before she wins the series and becomes Lord Als’ new business partner. Her plan is to open a large ventriloquist’s dummy shop in Beckworth. Good luck Leslie. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Last Night’s Apprentice

Posted on 05/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Congratulations to local entrepreneur and female impressionist Leslie Warwick as she once again survived a dressing down and near sacking on TV’s The Apprentice. Her regular appearances opposite Lord Al Sugar have made her a force to be reckoned with and the whole nation has taken her to their hearts. Every week so far she has ruined her teams’ chances of winning, but in an interesting twist this week she messed up the opposing teams’ task with a bit of skullduggery (She stole a box of their naff children’s book so they had fewer copies for sale). Hence the idiots made less profit and quite rightly lost. And for the first time ever, on the frankly otherwise predictable Apprentice, a team captain brought a member of the opposing team, Ms Warwick, back in to the boardroom to potentially have Lord Al say “You’re Fired.” But once again “Teflon” Leslie survived (She has some “dirt” on fellow contestants and judges). So she is through to the next round and well on her way to winning the series. Good luck to Leslie, her underhand ways certainly make the programme more watchable. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) A nonchalant Leslie back in the firing line again

Local Lass Avoids Eviction On The Apprentice. Again.

Posted on 29/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Congratulations once gain, to local entrepreneur and female impressionist Leslie Warwick as she’s now survived four episodes of the frankly tedious The Apprentice. She was forced by Lord Al Sugar to be team leader this week and, as her team lost the “crap for pets” task by quite some margin, she faced a grilling in the board room. But once again Leslie survived. An exasperated producer described her as being like Teflon as she has some very “useful information” on fellow contestants and judges. Hence she is through to the next round on her way to winning the series. Good luck to Ms warwick, she is certainly brightening up the programme with her colourful language and physical bullying. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) A laid-back Leslie Warwick taking little notice of the judges in the boardroom

Far East Investment In Our Local Nuclear Power Plant Announced

Posted on 24/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

I am delighted to announce that after a decade of trying to find an investor to pay for repairs to Beckworth’s leaky old nuclear power station, the Russian owners of the plant have today announced one has been found. Last month the owner, Putin Power PLC, hinted an investor was being courted in the far East, which led all eyes to fall on King Of China Xi Jinping when he visited England last week. So imagine our surprise when he failed to announce his intention to invest. Thank goodness the Russians are well connected and at the last minute have found an investment partner in Kim Jong-un, the handsome young leader of North Korea. Mr Un is said to be a huge advocate of all things nuclear and thrilled to get control of a slice of the UK’s nuclear capabilities. Good luck to Mr Kim and all at the power plant who’s jobs are now safe. Or at least as safe as they can be working at a faulty old nuclear facility. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) The latest investor in UK nuclear power, Kim Jong-Un

Local Lass Avoids Eviction On The Apprentice

Posted on 23/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Congratulations to local businesswoman, and female impressionist, Leslie Warwick as she’s survived three episodes of The Apprentice. She was fortunate not to have been dragged into the board room this week. Especially after being described as a “dead weight trannie who lost us the task” by the team leader and given a severe dressing down by Lord Al Sugar for buying a punctured second-hand rubber-dinghy for £8000. A source told me that Leslie has “dirt” on most of the contestants, and the judges, which should help her to sail through the rounds and win the series. Good luck to local lass Leslie, she makes this tired old programme well worth watching. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Apprentice wannabee Leslie Warwick takes single-handedly losing the day’s task in her stride

Straight Edge Day Tomorrow

Posted on 16/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

In celebration of tomorrow being the World’s official Edge Day (look it up, it’s on the web) local family-run builders merchants Coffin & Sons are offering planks of wood, and anything else they can find with straight edges, with 11% off. So hurry on down, it’s a once in a lifetime offer. Probably. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Some of the straight-edged planks of wood on sale tomorrow

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Valerie Saddleworth