Local Lass On TV Tonight. And Tomorrow Night

Posted on 14/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

I’m very proud to announce that local businesswoman, and female impressionist, Leslie Warwick is appearing on this years’ series of The Apprentice. Before filming started Leslie told me she’s not only out to win but ultimately wants to take that Karen Brady‘s seat next to Lord “You can call me” Sugar. She already does a great impression of Mrs Brady, and an even better one of Mr Sugar. Good luck to our local lass Leslie, i’m so sure she’ll win i’ve put a £5 bet on. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Leslie Warwick, circled, with her enemies on the Apprentice

Beckworth Manufactured Collector’s Item On Sale At Labour Conference

Posted on 30/09/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

I’m very proud to announce that local manufacturerer Elastic Plastic Ltd has today unveiled a unique celebratory new Labour Leader commemorative keepsake comissioned by the far left of the party. Based on the design of a classic swiss clock, the crudely-painted 99% diecast plastic (non-working) objet dart is limited to just 250,0015 pieces Worldwide and features many of Comrade Corbyn’s favourite things… renationalised steam trains, acorns, flowers, gaslights etc all moulded onto the faux timepiece. The details are exquisite such as opening doors at the top that reveal a life-like model of Jeremy himself wearing his favourite red coat and carrying a miner’s lamp, the cast rubber Karl Marx pendulum and the non-moving clock hands, which look as if they’ve gone on strike. It’s available at the Labour conference and from the party’s website, for only £376.78 (plus postage). Get one, or two, while you can. Congratulations to our local sweatshop for producing such a must have heirloom of the future. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) The beautiful Made-in-Beckworth Commemorative Comrade Corbyn Clock

For Your Mice Only…

Posted on 28/09/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Good morning to you all. I am pleased to announce that as of today Beckworth residents with pest problems can use a new semi-professional eradication crew who’ve set up shop in town. On call night and day 24/7 five days of the week, from 9am – 5pm, the town’s infestation problems are well and truly over. This unqualified wife and husband team have adopted a sort-of James Bond spy theme to stand out from the crowd. At a press-conference this morn Mrs Oakhampton the MD declared “When me and my wheelchaired hubby decided to put our old van, poisons, guns and traps to good use and become mobile pest controllers we thought it best come up with a catchy brand… We’ve always been huge 007 fans, so it made sense to base the new business name on the films and books.” She then added “Thinking of something catchy gave us sleepless nights, we thought of A View To A Kill, but the film-makers threatened to sue us if we used it. Next up we got clever with The Woman (& Disabled Husband) With The Golden Traps, but people didn’t get the Bond connection, or that we killed pests. Nor did anyone understand You Only Die Twice, From Beckworth With Love or Cockroaches Are Forever… So we ended up with the catchy name Fleming’s Untrained Controllers of Pests. It doesn’t quite fit on the side of our small van, so that just says FUC of Pests.” Good luck to Mr and Mrs Oakhampton with their new business. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Mrs Oakhampton demonstrates her patented laser mouse killer

Local Businesses To Petition Government Over London Airport Report

Posted on 04/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Good morning to you all. I’m hoping I can rely on local common folk such as yourself to join me and the Beckworth trade guild in airing (no pun intended) our disappointment at this week’s biased report into the future of London’s airports. We at the guild have campaigned tirelessly to have an international airport sighted in the green fields of Beckworth but we, the “little people,” have once again been ignored. Our plan may not be as glamorous as Boris Island, as close to London as Heathrow (therefore we’d have no issues about polution) or in the heart of the South of England like Gatwick. But we have far more charity shops than both Luton and Stanstead and they got a ruddy mention in the report. We didn’t even get that. And we have impressive transport links that have been overlooked. We can already boast twice daily buses to the nearest train station, where passengers can catch a train that goes quite close to London. But let’s not be defeated, the battle may be lost but the war is far from over. So please sign the petition “Beckworth Wants An Airport. Or At Least A Runway,” which will be on view in many of the town’s shops from today. Or allow yourself to be harassed by a chugger on the high street. Let’s fight together. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) An architect’s plans for the proposed Beckworth International Airport as submitted to the Government’s commission

Home Exhibition Opens This Weekend

Posted on 20/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Good morning to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are delighted to announce that this weekends Home Of Ideals exhibition will be opened on Saturday morning by national treasure, and Channel 4 DIY expert, Kevin McCloud. This is the first time that Beckworth has been honoured with hosting the annual home improvement show and in preparation the diminutive town centre exhibition venue has been thoroughly cleaned and the boy’s toilets unblocked. Mr Kevin will declare the show open at 9am and ticket price is £25. Kev says is he is very excited that the show has come “home” to the Beckworth scout hut and sports field “venue” as he spent many a happy hour whittling there as a cub in the town. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(above) Kevin McCloud readys himself for the grand exhibition opening

Le Bon Shop Set To Close

Posted on 08/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Good morning to you. We at the trade guild are saddened to announce that national treasure Simon Le Bon will be closing his shop recently opened Beckworth high street shop, Le BonMarche. Mr Simon faced opposition to his shop from the start when short sighted nimbys decried him knocking down the Grade 1 listed Kitty’s Bakery to build his wonderful emporium. No doubt Mr Bon’s band Culture Club will be giving him a hand at the closing down sale, that is if they can stop singing Do You Really Want To Hurt Me. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(above) A visibly upset Simon LeBon is supported by his band-mates (who also worked as part-time shelf stackers) earlier today

New Shop Opens On Our Thriving High Street

Posted on 14/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know the good news that a new shop is opening this Saturday on the high street, and bucking the nationwide trend it’s not a betting shop, charity emporium nor a payday loan shark outlet. Nestling between the builder’s merchants and the undertakers on the site of the condemned cinema, the new retailer will be the county’s first ladle superstore. Called Len’s Ladle Superstore the shop is local dance teacher, and kitchen utensil expert, Len Goodman‘s first foray into shopkeeping and we wish him well. Len has been quoted as saying “I saw a gap in the market when i tried to buy a set of ladles as a wedding present for a friend and found nowhere locally sold them… So my superstore will fill the void.” Cutting the ribbon at the opening will be Len’s best friend Bruno Tonioli himself a dab hand with cooking ephemera. I think Len’s “big spoon shop” will at last put Beckworth on the catering supplies map which is great news for the local economy. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) A very excited Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman model ladles from the soon to be available stock at Len’s Ladle Superstore

Peter’s Pipe Dream Of Pickling Plant Panned

Posted on 30/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know that due to public pressure poor ex-Dragon’s Den judge Peter Paphites has withdrawn his planning application to build a pickling plant on the site of the Neolithic buriel mound near Slocombe. I think Beckworth will regret this in the long term as it could have created at least 12 jobs and put the district on the pickles map. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) Peter Paphitis, would be Prince of Pickles

Strictly Star To Open Heel Bar

Posted on 10/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Exciting news just in for anyone who’s shoes need repairing. Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman is set to open a heel bar and key cutters on the site of the old pet shop. Len told me over a skinny latte “that the exclusive shop will be called Strictly Heels And Keys and will cater to those who want a more upmarket service when getting their keys cut and shoes repaired” Before adding “I want my clients to leave Strictly Heels And Keys with a spring in their step and a jingle in their pockets.” Len’s shop will be in direct competition, and directly opposite, Dragon’s Den judge Peter Jones‘ Dragon’s Heels And Keys, which has been doing great business since opening in 2008. Mr Peter was unavailable for comment but is said to be unphased about Len’s shop. A friend of a friend of a friend of Peter’s was quoted as saying “Peter says bring it on. He’ll soon put Len out of business… and run him out of town.” So there you have it. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) Len Goodman proudly showing off his newly mended “Strictly” heels

Le Bon Set To Open New Store In High Street

Posted on 06/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Good afternoon. We at the trade guild are delighted to announce that national treasure Simon Le Bon has been granted planning permission to expand his shopping empire and open a branch in Beckworth. His shop, Le BonMarche, will open on the site of the Grade 1 listed Kitty’s Bakery and demolition work is due to start next week. No doubt Mr Bon’s band Culture Club will be giving him a hand building the new shop, if they can stop singing Calmer Chameleon of course. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Simon Le Bon holding one of LeBonMarche’s best selling discreet ladies’ lines

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Valerie Saddleworth