Outrage As Local Celebrity Will Not Be Appearing In The Jungle

Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo will not be appearing on the new TV series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Producers have said that Jack is not a celebrity! I disagree as he’s better known than Lady Colin Campbell who’s going to be on. No one’s ever heard of him… And I’d like to see this Colin eat kangeroo b******s and scorpion’s willies in the bush tucker trial. Jack would scoff them as he’d be too p****d to notice. Rumour has it that Jack’s good friends Lord Sugar, Mary Berry and her son Paul Hollywood will be in the new series, and they’d love Jack to be with them. He’s such good fun when he’s drunk. Which he always is. But not to be outdone by smart-arse TV people i’m going to start fundraising to get him flown out to Australia so he can sneak into the jungle unannounced. That will give those dwarves Ant and Dec a shock! So please help me with the fundraising and let’s get Jack back on TV. And of course whilst Jack is still in this country he is available to sing at weddings, births, divorces, etc. so give me a ring to book him.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack managed to get on set with Ant and Dec in the UK recently, which as can be seen made them very happy


Local Lass Avoids Eviction On The Apprentice. Again.

Congratulations once gain, to local entrepreneur and female impressionist Leslie Warwick as she’s now survived four episodes of the frankly tedious The Apprentice. She was forced by Lord Al Sugar to be team leader this week and, as her team lost the “crap for pets” task by quite some margin, she faced a grilling in the board room. But once again Leslie survived. An exasperated producer described her as being like Teflon as she has some very “useful information” on fellow contestants and judges. Hence she is through to the next round on her way to winning the series. Good luck to Ms warwick, she is certainly brightening up the programme with her colourful language and physical bullying. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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(Above) A laid-back Leslie Warwick taking little notice of the judges in the boardroom

Local Lass Avoids Eviction On The Apprentice

Congratulations to local businesswoman, and female impressionist, Leslie Warwick as she’s survived three episodes of The Apprentice. She was fortunate not to have been dragged into the board room this week. Especially after being described as a “dead weight trannie who lost us the task” by the team leader and given a severe dressing down by Lord Al Sugar for buying a punctured second-hand rubber-dinghy for £8000. A source told me that Leslie has “dirt” on most of the contestants, and the judges, which should help her to sail through the rounds and win the series. Good luck to local lass Leslie, she makes this tired old programme well worth watching. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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(Above) Apprentice wannabee Leslie Warwick takes single-handedly losing the day’s task in her stride

Local Lass On TV Tonight. And Tomorrow Night

I’m very proud to announce that local businesswoman, and female impressionist, Leslie Warwick is appearing on this years’ series of The Apprentice. Before filming started Leslie told me she’s not only out to win but ultimately wants to take that Karen Brady‘s seat next to Lord “You can call me” Sugar. She already does a great impression of Mrs Brady, and an even better one of Mr Sugar. Good luck to our local lass Leslie, i’m so sure she’ll win i’ve put a £5 bet on. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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(Above) Leslie Warwick, circled, with her enemies on the Apprentice

Apprenticeship Goes Up In Smoke

Dear all. Well, what a travesty of justice last night’s episode of The Apprentice was. I’m sure you’ll agree that Lord Sugar made a big mistake firing my cousin, the Kajagoogoo tribute act, Jack-A-GooGoo. Jack and Mr Sugar had been getting on famously until a few days ago and was believed to be a shoe-in as 2014 winner. But my cousin was appalled at this weeks’ task, having to make and sell poncey candles, and so borrowing Sugar’s credit card he buggered off to buy a pub in Bognor Regis. Jack only spent £250,000, which he quite rightly says was just an advance on his winnings, but Alan wasn’t happy (he doesn’t like Bognor) and so fired his top apprentice. What a silly bugger!! Still it’s not all bad as Jack is being allowed to keep the pub, which he and Nick Hewer hope to turn into a Kajagoogoo themed bar before Christmas.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, pub barmaid and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)


(Above) Jacks new family-friendly pub in Bognor Regis

Apprentice: Missing In Action

Dear all. If like me you were wondering where my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was in last night’s episode of The Apprentice, fear not. Jack had spent so much time “getting to know” the other apprentices after the first task that on the day of the second one he was sleeping off a hangover and missed the whole thing. Jack has smoothed things over his new BFF’s Nick Hewer and Lord Sugar and hopes to back on our screens next week, that’s if he doesn’t over do the partying!!

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, business partner and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)


(Above, far left) Jack manages to find time between sessions in the pub to get photographed with his fellow Apprentices

Apprentice In The Pub

Dear all. I hope you all caught the first episode of The Apprentice last night which my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was starring in it. Jack didn’t feature too much in the programme due to clever editting, and the fact that genius Jack spent most of the task (which would have involved him dressing as a hotdog) by staying in the pub with Nick Hewer and Lord Sugar. My cousin’s tactic is to keep a low profile, befriend the “judges” and therefore keep out of the boardroom. Jack sent me a sneaky text last night saying Mr Sugar is actually a top bloke in real life and bought Jack and Nick drinks and fags all day. He’s also quite small in real life and needed a step ladder to get onto his bar stall. Anyway, keep your eyes peeled for Jack next week, though if there’s hard work involved you’ll no doubt find him back in the pub with Nick and Alan!

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, business partner and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)


(Above) Sir Sugar orders another round of drinks earlier today for his BFF’s Jack and Nick