I’ve just seen French King XIV coming out of the local hairdressers after getting his hair permed (it’s half price Wednesdays for OAPs). I think he was surprised that I recognised him, but he caught my eye in his robes and crown. He looked a proper 17th century dandy and did that Royal wave that only nobility do as he got on the bus home. Cheers, Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym
(Above) The Sun King of France as seen earlier today
USA Presidential news just in… I probably don’t need to remind you to stop what you’re doing at 5pm today to watch the wonderful spectacle of the inauguration of Donald Trump, but we locals have a “close to home” reason to celebrate. For not only is the new president a close friend to the UK, and have Scottish a roots, but it has just come to light in local family records that on his father’s side he is descended from a local Beckworth family. And not just any family. Mr Donald comes from a long line of scaffolders, the Turays, who are still in business today (despite going bankrupt twice in recent years). It is this family who brought scaffold-making to England in the 12th century and it is claimed that one of Donald’s ancestors, Ali Turay, built the scaffolds that hanged so many Royal wives. I spoke to the president’s distant cousin Muhhamad Turay-Trump and his Mexican wife Beryl earlier today and they said they hope to meet Mr Trump soon and offer him a great deal on scaffolding if he goes ahead with any wall building. I’ll keep you posted in case Donald does come to visit his ancestral scaffolding yard. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief US of A Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello. Good new for those of us who love large spoons… The UK’s favourite (and only) ladle superstore is celebrating two years of trading in Beckworth this week with a massive stock clearance sale. That’s right, Len’s Ladle Superstore is clearing the shelves of some of it’s underperforming ladle lines. Recently retired dance teacher and store owner/manager Len Goodman has instructed his young assistant Bruno Tonioli to sell off the many badly bent and rusting items, so grab yourselves a large-spoon like bargain (whilst stocks last)… As Len often regales regulars down the pub “A house isn’t a home without a ladle. Or two.” Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.
(Above) Just one of the lovely ladles available (at full price) in store today
What better way could there be to start the new year than with a January sale on one of life’s little essentials. Your funeral. Come and see us friendly folk at Fawke’s next Monday to buy the send off of your dreams. For that day only all funerals will have an astounding 10% off. So can you really afford to miss out on this golden opportunity? After all you could be knocked down by a bus on Tuesday and you’d want to be prepared for Mr Death’s visit. So don’t delay, come and see us Monday. Yours Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals
Happy New Year Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well rested and happy to be back at work. I myself have been away for a two weeks jaunt to the far east and so missed Beckworth’s New Years’ eve council funded entertainment on the sports field. I have been told that the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth, to say goodbye to 2016, went smoothly as did the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in 2017. Due to a lack of funding there was no pyrotechnic display this year but I think you’ll agree that the money is better spent going towards good causes such as a new Mayoral car. Also worth a mention is that this year the Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim was the best attended ever, with seven people taking part. Six of those intentionally. So here’s to a prosperous 2017. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
New Years honours list news just in… There were many gasps of horror at the local conservative club earlier today when it became apparent that many local Tory donors hadn’t made it onto the list. Some members were very vocal about the size of their donations and stories of CBEs and OBEs that had been promised, and I am told a full investigation is to be carried out as to why local names were omitted. I will keep you up to date on this story as it unfolds… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Cash For Honours Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Dear flock. I just wanted to wish you all a wonderful New Year, let’s pray that 2017 will be far better than 2016 and that we don’t have to wait too long for another series of Poldark (with lots more shots of that scrummy lead actor getting sweaty with his shirt off). I also wanted to pre-warn you that tomorrow mornings mass will be starting a couple of hours late (at around 11.30) as I’ll be needing a lie in due to most likely still being a teensy-weensy bit tipsy. I will be seeing the new year in at the Bishop’s party tonight and they can be a riotous affair at the best of times, so let’s hope I actually make it home in one piece! See you all tomorrow.
May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths
This joyful message is to remind you lucky people of Beckworth that tickets are still available for tomorrow night’s New Years’ Eve Hootananny bash. And as it is becoming a local tradition (and as they are the only cheap act not booked to play anywhere else on New Years’ Eve) Jesus’s favourite folk trio The Faith Tones will be performing… The God-bothering “all-female” trio, will be playing tracks from their reissued bargain-bin Christmas LP 21 Songs for Jesus’s Birthday. Doors open at 6.30, and tickets cost £65.50 which includes an all-you-can-carry-on-a-tiny-plate “finger” buffet. So join us and see the new year in with some gender-challenging religious lady singers and get lathered on the over-ordered real ale left over from last new year’s eve. Last year’s featured ale was Worzel’s Rusty Nail and we’ve a got a few old Christmas crackers to hand out to the first ten punters in “fancy dress” through the door. So see you tomorrow, or whenever News Year Eve actually is. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Due to unforseen circumstances (some great telly programmes being on the box) tonights midnight mass will be starting at about 1am. Or a bit later if I over do the sherry and brandy snaps.
Solstace news just in… Many local fans of dogging and public shows of nudity were disappointed yesterday when there was a no-show of pagan worshipers at the ancient Hammerite standing stones. Crowds of lusting onlookers had arrived early with torches to see the sun rise over the stones and catch glimpses of naughty bits as groups of bearded old men and women were due to dance, sing and fornicate naked amongst the stones to celebrate the winter solstace (The worlds’ shortest day). From before dawn the disgruntled beying audience assembled but sadly no druids, witches, wizards or nutters appeared… In a statement issued later in the day the druids apologised claiming that they’d simply overslept. On a positive note a few did manage to gather earlier this morning to invoke the sun rise, all be it 24 hours late, but due to a frost (and a lack of watching public) kept their clothes on. Commiserations to all who missed this sight, let’s hope for better time keeping next year. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
(Above) Fully dressed druids doing traditional dances to get the sun to rise earlier today