Good adventide Beckworth. This Christmas as a treat for the residents of Beckworth your enterprising local Conservative run council are offering free waste collection as the top prize in it’s annual Yuletide raffle. Tickets only cost £3 each, minimum spend £15 per household, with all the money raised going towards refitting the council offices’ canteen. As you will know this year we introduced costs for bulky, or radioactive, waste remova and so getting a free collection is agreat prize. Other prizes in the raffle are bags of grit to keep paths free of ice, lunch with me (the mayor) and a months free use of the local library. So don’t delay, the tickets are literally selling themselves! Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Expert waste collection like this could be free for you and yours this Christmas

Good eventide Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening local “rapper” and star of the X-Factor, Honey G will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. Honey, known to us here in Beckworth as veterinary surgeon and sheep-breeder Nelly Greggs, says she is a big fan of switches and is preparing a rap for the occasion. This year’s Christmas display is probably the town’s best in years (we diverted funds from the local hospice to pay for it) and if measured would probably stretch a hundred feet or so along the high street. With the street lit-up by energy saving light-bulbs in the shape of the stars of Strictly Come Dancing it will really feel like the baby Jesus and the Shepherds are almost amongst us… Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Honey G busts a move in preparation of the big Christmas turn-on

Good evening Beckworth. Apologies that this year’s bonfire celebrations had to be cancelled at the last minute. This was because we couldn’t find any matches to light the bonfire or fireworks. If all goes well, and we have a lighter, the fireworks night celebrations should go ahead tomorrow. Or failing that Monday… Attractions will hopefully still include a torch-lit barbershop quartet and all lady jazz band, vegan food stalls and topical effigy of Theresa May made by the local mother and toddler group. As per usual Prof Brian Cox will retell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the over 18s we’ve got locally brewed ales on draft. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) The effigy of Theresa May ready for the bonfire

Good morning Beckworth Thank you all, well almost all, for supporting the Trick Or Treat ban last night and creating a wonderful almost incident free Halloween. Most residents celebrated behind closed doors and only sixty-four arrests were made thanks to the council’s zero-tolerance policy and the Police Riot Squad patrolling in armoured cars through the night. As usual it was the under 10s causing the most problems, a police spokesperson blaming the rioting that ensued in the McDonalds drive-through most likely due to the McFlurrys running out. On a lighter note, congratulations go to the Madonna family, with Mum winning the hotly contested adult Halloween Costume competitions, and daughter Loads winning the under-18s competition. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Mrs Madonna pictured in her back garden with daughter Lords, both modelling their Halloween costumes last night