Volunteers Needed

Hello. Please can you help? Due to a lack of interested parents we are in need of volunteer car drivers for our upcoming foreign exchange programme. You must hold a valid passport, an MOT certificate and a full tank of petrol. Drivers will be required to ferry a maximum of three children from Beckworth High School to their new “foster” homes, and on the return trip bring back an equal number of foreign children. No language skills are need as each driver will be accompanied by a translator. This year we are thrilled to be exchanging our children for youngsters from the badlands of inner-city Glasgow. If you are interested please bring your (genuine) documentation to the school and ask for me, or the caretaker. Yours, Cherie Blair headmistress, Beckworth High School

Beckworth_ScottishChildren

(Above) Scottish children excitedly await their exchange visit to Beckworth by practicing their “let’s repel the sasanachs” fighting skills

Local Teenager Arrested on Foreign Exchange Trip For Wearing Too Much

Hello all, shocking news just in. Local teenager, Chelsea Streatham, was arrested this Saturday whilst on her schools’ foreign exchange trip to Newcastle. The shy 15 year old was bundled into a waiting Police riot-squad van for decent non-exposure due to wearing too many layers in the town centre (She was inappropriately dressed in a coat, jumper and jeans whilst waiting outside McDonalds). Geordie Police also cautioned her for being sober during the hours of darkness and in court added “she did not swear, resist arrest or have enough make-up applied when Police approached her. So we had to nick her for the public’s safety”. Speaking outside court her headmistress Cherie Blair said “Chelsea is as an A-grade student who wanted to broaden her horizons and learn a new language by going on this exchange. Her arrest has come as a complete shock and deeply worried the other overtly-clad girls on this foreign trip” then she added “We only chose Newcastle as it is the exotic location of TV’s comedy series Geordie Shores.” Due to the seriousness of the crimes bail has been refused and Miss Streatham is being held in a maximum security prison near Hull until her trial in the summer. Her worried parents have contacted the British Embassy and say they will try to visit her if they can spare the time later in the year. I’ll let you know when i have more news on this chilling crime… Christine Batley. Chief Geordie Shores Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Police-photo

(Above) A Geordie Police Officer guards the spot where a Beckworth school girl was arrested for being inappropriately dressed outside a McDonalds “restaurant”