Hello. Please can you help? Due to a lack of interested parents we are in need of volunteer car drivers for our upcoming foreign exchange programme. You must hold a valid passport, an MOT certificate and a full tank of petrol. Drivers will be required to ferry a maximum of three children from Beckworth High School to their new “foster” homes, and on the return trip bring back an equal number of foreign children. No language skills are need as each driver will be accompanied by a translator. This year we are thrilled to be exchanging our children for youngsters from the badlands of inner-city Glasgow. If you are interested please bring your (genuine) documentation to the school and ask for me, or the caretaker. Yours, Cherie Blair headmistress, Beckworth High School

(Above) Scottish children excitedly await their exchange visit to Beckworth by practicing their “let’s repel the sasanachs” fighting skills