First thing this morning, as I went to purchase my Daily Mail, I saw our cherished Prime Minister Sir David Cameron on his way to the magnificent Tory Conference. Mr David kindly waved in my general direction as I politely hollered his name. His well armed security team were very professional and assertive, quickly pushing me out of the way before arresting me so as not to impede his progress. If they hadn’t been so on the ball I could easily have got trapped under the wheels of his shiny new Government transport as it passed by me 50 yards away. What a great statesman Lord Cameron truly is. Long may he and his wonderful family rule over us in this fine, fine country. Your humble servant Emeryk Posnan.

(Above) A visibly pleased Duke David of Cameroon waves to his loyal subject from his new over-sized Government carriage (Rumour has it inches were mistakenly used during the carriage’s construction instead of centremetres as written on the plans, hence the vehicle being about two-thirds too large)