Local MP Hoping For Cabinet Role Alongside Old Etonian Boris.

Exclusive breaking Prime Minister Johnson news just in… In a fortuitous stroke of luck I just popped out to have a well earned cigarette break and who should I bump into coming out of the betting shop on the high street? Yes, our very own, highly respected, Beckworth MP, Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP who honoured me there and then with an exclusive interview as we shared a Marlborough Light. Mr Tooting-Broadway was very excited to have just won a “monkey on the gee-gees” (I’ve no idea what a monkey means but it must be good given his infectious happiness) and also to have found out that he is very likely to have landed a role in his friend Boris’ cabinet after years gathering dust on the back benches… Stephen told me he had been “friends” with the new Prime Minister since Prep School and that his younger brother, Rory Tooting-Broadway (the famous porn and sausage-meat baron), was Mr Johnsons fag at Eton (I looked it up and it means man servant not gay boy as I’d thought), so they know Boris Johnson‘s most intimate secrets which he’s offered to tell me at a price. Good luck to Tooting-Broadway and of course to Mr Johnson, I think the two of them can at last get us out of the stinking corrupt mire that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Boris Johnson PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Star Spot: Our Beloved Leader

First thing this morning, as I went to purchase my Daily Mail, I saw our cherished Prime Minister Sir David Cameron on his way to the magnificent Tory Conference. Mr David kindly waved in my general direction as I politely hollered his name. His well armed security team were very professional and assertive, quickly pushing me out of the way before arresting me so as not to impede his progress. If they hadn’t been so on the ball I could easily have got trapped under the wheels of his shiny new Government transport as it passed by me 50 yards away. What a great statesman Lord Cameron truly is. Long may he and his wonderful family rule over us in this fine, fine country. Your humble servant Emeryk Posnan.

Beckworth_David Cameron-in his new carriage

(Above) A visibly pleased Duke David of Cameroon waves to his loyal subject from his new over-sized Government carriage (Rumour has it inches were mistakenly used during the carriage’s construction instead of centremetres as written on the plans, hence the vehicle being about two-thirds too large)

Mr Cameron Gets Caught Talking Cobblers

Breaking News… On a flying visit to secure the votes in the marginal seat of Beckworth South, Prime Minister David Cameron today revealed the real love of his life… And it isn’t Sam or politics. Mr Prime Minister let his passion for shoes, and more specifically shoe-re-soling, out of the bag. On his walkabout through the town Mr David popped into Beckworth’s very own shoe menders, Gobbler’s The Cobblers, earlier today and was overheard talking in raptures about rubber soles and blakeys. The PM was heard saying to Herman Gobbler, head cobbler, that ever since he was a young boy footwear has fascinated him. He allegedly went on to say that when he stops being prime minister he hopes to retrain as shoe-repairer… or failing that work in a shoe shop. You heard it here first! Christine Batley. Chief Sole Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_David Cameron_Shoe

(Above) David Cameron pointing out the skillfulness of shoe-repairs earlier today

“Marching Powder” Availability Warning Issued By Local Health Authority

Hello all. Disturbing news just in from local NHS spokesperson and 1950s midwife Miranda Hart… It appears that Beckworth’s hospital, chemists, supermarkets and fungal-foot specialists are all running low on essential supplies of talcom powder causing a worried populace to panic buy. In bulk. Miranda is quoted as saying “Shelves all over town are almost empty and the over 60s are hysterically battling teenagers for the last remaining stocks. God knows if and when we’ll get the life-saving supplies the NHS relies on.” She went onto explain “It’s all due to a new dance craze sweeping up and down the country and nationwide” before adding “It’s a pandemic called Northern Soul i believe. Young people put on stereotypical Northern accents to talk about whippets and coal-mining, dress in flared trousers and flat caps and dance to soul music as if they possessed” The star of BBC TV’s Call The Midwife went onto explain to waiting news crews “Then they sprinkle the the floor with precious talcom powder and dance on it. I’m buggered if I know why, we never had any problems like this in fictional 1950s England.” It is such a serious dilemma that Prime Minister David Cameron is as I write heading a meeting of Cobra, prompting Lance Armstrong, spokesperson for the Federation Of Talcom and Flea Powder Makers, to issue the following statement ”The problem is that we’ve never known such an interest our health giving product. Even the Roman’s who discovered it to be The Powdered Elixir Of Life never ran short. Despite selling it by the ton to army soldiers as an aid for marching (it stopped their sandals rubbing). But this craze has meant the UKs annual supply has been used up in just 3 months. My members were ill-equipped to meet such high demand, and with talcom crops devastated by recent flooding we are calling on foreign countries such as Bolivia and Columbia to send us much needed supplies” He went onto say “But can I ask the citizens of Great Britain not to hoard supplies, not to buy black market ”under the counter chalky fakes” nor mug the old for a splash of talc… But to please wait until the imported white powder arrives. Sometime in June.” I’m sure i’ll have more on this story in coming weeks and will keep you posted. Christine Batley. Chief Talc Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_NorthernSoul_DanceFloor(Above) A local Northern Soul dance floor covered in talcum powder earlier today

Beckworth Star Spot: Prince Charles

Hello. I’ve just seen Royal friend of the earth Prince Charles cycling to the shops surrounded by his body guards. Mr Charles really is a man of the people as every few yards he stopped to chat to his subjects and sign autographs. Also, his ears are a lot smaller in real life, as you can see in the photo I took. Leslie Warwick

Prince Charles On A Bike

(Above) Nature lover Prince Charles spotted in town today

Beckworth Star Spot: David Milliband

I’ve just spotted the Prime Minister’s brother, David Milliband, in the post office applying for a new passport. He wasn’t happy when told he shouldn’t be grinning in the photo and would have to get another taken. He got very shirty with Mary behind the counter, but then that’s celebs for you. They’re all up themselves. Regina


(Above) David Milliband’s rejected passport photo