Good afternoon, Wonky Windsor here with some splendid information for you. During his recent UK holiday, to stay with his best friend David Cameron, the King Of China Xi Jinping forgot to announce the winner of his country’s “Nobel” peace prize. But he’s just remembered and faxed the 2015 results through to my home. Imagine my delight that fellow ex-Beckworth School pupil (and in his day head boy) Robert “Bobby The Bobster” Mugabe was the well deserved winner. Mr Bobster, always humble in victory, is said to be delighted and is quoted on the fax as saying “This is one in the eye for all my imprisoned critics. Now if anyone says i’m not peaceful, I have proof that I am. And I will have them shot. Immediately”. The magnanimous Mr Bobby Mugabe is the latest in a long line of noble China peace prize winners and he follows in the graceful footsteps of such luminaries as Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin, Manuel Noriega, Attila The Hun, and Margaret “Maggie” Thatcher. Congratulations to Robert and to the Mugabe family who still own a butchers shop on the outskirts of town. Yours Sir T.T. “Wonky” Windsor. President. Beckworth School Old Boys

(Above) A clearly delighted Bobby Mugabe clutches his well deserved plastic Chinese peace prize earlier today