Ex-Beckworth SchoolBoy Wins Chinese Nobel Peace Prize

Good afternoon, Wonky Windsor here with some splendid information for you. During his recent UK holiday, to stay with his best friend David Cameron, the King Of China Xi Jinping forgot to announce the winner of his country’s “Nobel” peace prize. But he’s just remembered and faxed the 2015 results through to my home. Imagine my delight that fellow ex-Beckworth School pupil (and in his day head boy) Robert “Bobby The Bobster” Mugabe was the well deserved winner. Mr Bobster, always humble in victory, is said to be delighted and is quoted on the fax as saying “This is one in the eye for all my imprisoned critics. Now if anyone says i’m not peaceful, I have proof that I am. And I will have them shot. Immediately”. The magnanimous Mr Bobby Mugabe is the latest in a long line of noble China peace prize winners and he follows in the graceful footsteps of such luminaries as Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin, Manuel Noriega, Attila The Hun, and Margaret “Maggie” Thatcher. Congratulations to Robert and to the Mugabe family who still own a butchers shop on the outskirts of town. Yours Sir T.T. “Wonky” Windsor. President. Beckworth School Old Boys

Beckworth_Mugabe

(Above) A clearly delighted Bobby Mugabe clutches his well deserved plastic Chinese peace prize earlier today

Why Is Boxing Day Called Boxing Day Prof Cox?

Hello all and happy Yuletide, Professor Brian here, and once again I’ve been asked to utilise my huge intelligence to improve the lives of humanity. Today, i’m answering a question I get asked every year around this time. It’s a conundrum of mind-blowing magnitude and perplexes both young and old… Why is Boxing Day so called?
Well, we have to go back to pre-television, pre-internet and pre-mobile phone days to a time when people lacked education, communicated by writing letters and made their own simple entertainment, often through the medium of mime. The 1950s…
In the many centuries before ’50s the 26th of December was just known as “The day after Christmas day,” it lacked purpose and due to boredom often ended up in a drunken fight. It was after witnessing one such domestic punch-up that well known professional fighter Cassius Clay (nee Mohammed Ali) decided that what the public needed were organised fights to vent their festive frustration and work off the turkey and mince pies.
Working alone he single-handed door-stepped then prime minister Margaret Thatcher (no stranger to a hypothetical fight herself) to get councils to set up town-centre boxing rings on the 26th and get all this pent up post-Christmas violence out into public spaces. There was a lot of opposition to his idea, mainly from the church who abhorred violence and claimed their Lord wouldn’t want organised punch-ups spoiling the day after his birthday. But luckily for Cassius and Ali, Mrs Margaret didn’t listen to doom-mongering Church leaders and being “her own man” stated how much she loved the idea. Although the Government refused the funding within months every city, town and village could boast a post-Christmas open-air boxing ring and by 1953 fights were so common place and no work got done that “the day after Christmas day” became a public holiday.
Now all it needed was a catchier name. So in 1956 suggested names were put to a public vote, with Boxing Day narrowly beating Fighting Day, You Lookin’ At My Bird Day and Black-Eye Day to become the day we know and love today.

So there you go, my Christmas’ Did You Know This fact complete. I’m rushing off now as i’m giving Heston Blumenthal a hand with some left-over goose. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

CLAY LISTON

(Above) Mr Ali delivers a knock-out blow to an opponent of his “Boxing Day” idea

Cooper-Clarke Gig This Saturday: Skip To The Loo My Darling

Just a reminder that this Saturday sees The Macadamia Hall host the postponed John Cooper-Clarke gig. Support comes from Beckworth’s very own Lady Gaga & Margaret Thatcher tribute act Iron Lady Gaga. It sounds like a not to be missed evening and of course our revamped toilets will be on display, and hopefully working (Hence my humorous Skip To The Loo quote above).

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall

Mark-e-smith

(Above) John Cooper-Clarke calms his nerves pre-gig