Hello. Big news at the police station this morning as a Groom’s tie has been found attached to a tree. It was found in the early hours by an off-duty member of the fire service who was trying to get a neighbour’s cat down. The area around the tree is currently sealed off whilst anti-terror officers carry out a controlled-explosion in case the tie is a booby-trap. The necktie is made of man-made fibre and looks like the sort of thing worn by Prince William and husbands-to-be such in programmes like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and Downton Abbey. So does it belong to you? Have you woken up naked this morning handcuffed to a lamp-post? Are you needing bolt-cutters to get free and a clean pair of pants to hide your frost-bitten modesty? Would you rather this torrid affair doesn’t appear as a reconstruction on CrimeWatch? If so CID would like to hear from you as soon as possible. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this neck-wear case and hope to be in line for a very large cash reward when I return what remains of the tie to it’s rightful owner. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The groom’s tie just before being blown up