Breaking Wimbledon new just in (In truth I knew last week but I’m only just reporting it)…. Local boy made good (and Wimbledon’s oldest competitor) Lionel Corky” Deptford will be playing “mixed” doubles with Andy Murray’s second cousin Sandy later today, or tomorrow if they can’t get a court to play on… It will hopefully be shown live on BBC2 or on something called red button (which I think is another word for the internet). 95 year old “Corky”, a wildcard choice to play the Grand Slam, was sadly knocked out in the first-round singles matches last week, by his own Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham. I didn’t see the match myself as it clashed with Nedal (I think), or I may have been out shopping. I’m told it was a thrilling match with Corky and his opponent Cocky having the quickest match in Wimbledon history. The completely blind Mr Deptford told me over the phone that “the little b*****d didn’t let up or give me a chance” and that his gout had been playing up… After a coughing fit he went onto add that he’d desperately needed the loo so was glad when the grudge match was over… Lionel is still almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player though his ranking has slipped to 16,174th place, in age he is second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (105 years young and currently ranked 56th), who sadly couldn’t get a flight to compete at Wimbledon. Mr Deptford went onto say his new gender-fluid doubles partner Sandy is so much better than last years (Wayne Federer, Roger’s Dad) and he hoped they’d make it to the finals. Fingers crossed. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian