Hello. As you will have seen Beckworth is all over the papers and on the local late night news because Police (me and Rozzer my dog) are close to solving “the stag do massacre”. There is mounting evidence (three grey ties were found last weekend and another today) which points to an accidental murder most heinous. The fourth tie, as worn by the usher at a wedding, was discovered close to the boating lake early this morning. A vigilant octegenarian stumbled on it whilst removing his pants (he was illegally breaking and entering the park wanting to take an early morning skinny dip). All four ties are of a unique silver design, like the sort worn by DJs Chris Evans and Nick Grimshaw on their BBC radio shows. This neck-wear was found hanging dangerously on a life belt and points to the fact that the dead groom’s body was most likely dumped in the lake after meeting a ghastly S&M end in a strip club. We now believe everyone on the stag weekend to be implicated in the killing as we have yet to find the body, the suspects and a motive. Maybe you yourself are involved and have useful information but are to frightened to come forward? Perhaps the whole thing was your idea and you are now hiding in the woods living off leaves and wood like Bear Grylls? Was it a revenge killing because you weren’t asked to be the best man? Did you have a change of heart about killing the Groom (your best friend) but failed in your drunken attempt to save him with mouth-to-mouth? In doing so have you got a cold sore you are ashamed of people seeing? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. My dog and I will be handling this serial killing and we both hope to be in line for knighthoods when we put the perpetrators behind bars. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The shocking discovery made this morning by a pensioner going for a skinny dip