Hi, I just wanted to remind you all that tonight Beckworth will host it’s own alternative opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games on the sports field from 8pm with refreshments on sale in the scout hut. A spokesman for the local branch of UKIP, who organised the event as a demonstration against the Scottish Referendum, was quoted as saying “we just wanted to have our voice heard and point out how immigration has distorted the UK” before adding “And we can’t be arsed going all the way to Scotland to see our English boys and girls parading around with flags.” He went on to say “It’s worth having an English opening ceremony, as our team is bound to thrash all the foreigners at sport and swimming and stuff. Therefore we’re putting on an evening of only English entertainment.” I am reliably informed that this will include Noel Edmunds’ stunt kite display, music from Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely and conclude with the famed Beckworth Unicycle Formation Dance Team (featuring UKIP’s very own Nigel Farage) dancing to some Now That’s What I Call English Music CDs. It’s a free event so see you there. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

(Above) Nigel Farage unicycling to the opening ceremony rehearsal earlier today