And the breaking referendum news is… Beckworth has voted by an allegedly massive landslide majority for Brexit. Those wanting to leave the safety and prosperity of the EU got 49.5% of the votes against 48.5% for Remain, who we all assumed would romp home and even organised an all night party for. It was a sober gathering by the early hours, made worse by the noisy Brexit party next door where Nigel Farage and his brothers Neville and Arthur were DJing and loudly chatting up young ladies. Just 0.5% of the town voted for Bremain, a local “compromise” alternative, who campaigned on the promise they would “leave the EU” whilst actually lying to the population of this country and staying in for their own good “as the citizens of the UK can’t be trusted to vote the right way”. The poor Liberal Democrats also only polled 0.5%, which for them is rather good, especially as they weren’t officially on the ballot paper. One Brexit voter told me this morning, as they were raising the union jack over their shed, “We’ve given Cameron and his London hipsters a bloody nose they’ll not forget… Now it’s back to the task of rebuilding our once mighty Empire without the interference of Brussels,” another told me their only regret is “that Ciabatta and Virgin Olive Oil may now be in short supply.” Capturing the mood of Remain voters one told me as she was getting out of her Bentley “it’s the UK MEP‘s I feel sorry for, as they will be “out of a job at a time when there are so few opportunities for washed up politicians.” Personally my heart goes out to all the heads of industry and bankers who’d helped to make the union what it was. Christine Batley. Chief “OMG, Now I’m Really Buggered And Can’t Retire To Spain” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Beckworth’s expectant looking ballot box earlier yesterday