Wimbledon Wednesday

Hello. This Wednesday, 8th July, your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are going by coach to Wimbledon and fortunately for you we still have some room on the coach and spare tickets to Court No1 left over. This really is a golden opportunity for you to discover the wonders of going nude in public and to see some, hopefully, wonderful tennis being played. My close friend Wayne, himself an ex-Wimbledon ballboy (until he was sacked for being too old, slow and undressed), has promised a tennis quiz on the journey there and to show us all the “backstage” parts of Wimbledon usually off-limits to the public including the players changing rooms and toilets. Maybe Andy Murray will be there? Cooling off in the showers! Sandwiches and bottled water will be included in the price of the coach trip, which is only £715 per person but remember, if the sun is shining you’ll get an all over tan for nothing and probably get seen on telly (as has happened in previous years when we’ve been asked to cover up). I hope to see you on the coach, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) Wayne, a local Beckworth naturist, enjoying the Wimbledon tennis last year

Today At Wimbledon

Hello all. Don’t forget to switch your telly over to Wimbledon today as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford is playing on Court No3. He is playing young Austrian hopeful Jurgen Melzer and after Corky’s amazing trouncing of Roger Federer in the second round it promises to be a nail-biting match. Partially-sighted 89 year old Lionel is the third oldest ranked tennis player in the world (ranked 542) and he only took up the game aged 66 upon retirement from a career at WHSmiths. When interviewed, modest Mr Deptford put his extraordinary win over Federer down to the wonders of viagra, a lifetime of eating red meat, regular sex and the fact that he was a much better player than Roger. Fingers crossed Corky annihilates Melzer today, it would be wonderful to see an all British final with Lionel v Murray next week. Here’s hoping! Christine Batley. Chief Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) “New balls please”
Corky warms up at Wimbledon before today’s match