Skippedy-Do-Dah Skip Hire. ADVERTISEMENT

Do you want to get rid of debris and refuse that the council refuse to take? Need to ditch your philandering husband’s prized stuffed-animal collection at short notice? Or perhaps you’ve had a fly tipper dump 3 tons of rusting of washing machines outside your front door in the middle of the night? If so why not hire a skip from Beckworth’s third most popular skip hire company, Skippedy-Do-Dah… You can rent by the day or week, ring us for a quote today. Or tomorrow. Cheers Derek Skippedy-Smith. 01632 255 514

Skippedy Do Dah

At Her Majesty’s (Dis)Pleasure; This Weeks Playlist

Hello radio fans. A huge thanks to those who listened to my first online radio show on www.madwaspradio.com, i’ve had some great feedback. And it’s on again today at 10am! One music fan in Texas, Loz, has asked for the playlist. So I thought it would make sense to publish it, here, every week… I hope you’ll tune in weekly at 7pm Fridays and 10am Saturdays, keep yourselves well, Inmate B42359

01 Have love, will travel – Sharps

02 Balanced On a Wire - Ben Watt

03 Jody - A Girl Called Eddy

04 Steady - POLIÇA

05 Low (Radio Edit) - Lenny Kravitz

06 The Snake - Al Wilson

07 The London Boys - David Bowie

08 Do You Mind [From Let’s Get Married] - Anthony Newley

09 Girlfriend (feat. Dâm-Funk) - Christine And The Queens

10 Don’t You Want To Spiral Out Of Control? - Smoke Fairies

11 Adolescent sex - Japan

12 Cherry Bomb - The Runaways

13 We Sell Hope - The Specials

14 Walk Away Renee - The Four Tops

15 Thirteen - Big Star

16 Light My Fire - José Feliciano

17 The Old Ark’s A’moving - A A Gray & Seven-Foot Dilly

Record Player Coloured Vinyl

Don’t Forget To Enter Another Time Zone At Midnight Tonight

Hello Beckworth. This is your “let’s beat the C-Virus together” leader speaking. In times of national emergency, such as the one we’re in, it is important we all help each other… Tonight at midnight or thereabouts the time zone the UK is currently are in will change, you will need to put clocks and watches back by an hour, or perhaps it’s forward… Anyway, whichever way you change it it is vitally important for the health of the nation that it is done. Tonight. And if you know anyone self-isolating who probably can’t do it for themselves why not pop around tonight and do it for them? Remember to wash your hands afterwards… Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.

Clock

(Above) An artist’s impression of a clock being turned back. Or perhaps forward.

Beckworth Takes To The Air(Waves) Tonight

Hello radio lovers, check out www.madwaspradio.com tonight at 19:00 GMT (and repeated at 10:00 GMT tomorrow) as i’ll be broadcasting a new hour-long radio show called At Her Majesty’s (Dis)Pleasure, recorded in my cell at HMP Beckworth. Please tell your family and friends, hopefully it’ll be a pick-me-up after a week of lock-down. Happy listening and keep well, Inmate B42359

Inmate B42359

Local College Announces Evening Classes To Continue During Ongoing Lock Down

Breaking clay-based news just in… Beckworth FE College has announced that they are aiming to take all adult education evening classes online, or similar, next month. This will include over 90s yoga, veterinary as a hobby classes and life drawing art classes via live video link (i’ll sign up for the latter if its a well hung naked young man modelling). Car mechanics for beginners will continue via occasional phone calls, Arc Welding For Young Mum’s via hastily written postcards and flower arranging probably by post. Most ambitiously the pottery class will continue with each potter in their own home using improvised potters wheels, tuition by Skype and the clay posted weekly through a letter box or open window. Well done to the plucky college, it’s innovation like this that won us the war, and will help us beat this invisible menace we currently face. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief China Tea Pot Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

UK Undertakers Awards Postponed Until October… Or November.

Beckworth_TheGrinReaper

Breaking funeral news just in… At last I can report on some happy news in amongst all the reports of coughing and deaths. Local lad, 61 year old Terry Tottenham Jnr, (pictured above), has once again been nominated as the UK’s cheeriest undertaker in the prestigious Grin Reaper Award 2020. Mr Junior last won in 2015 and despite a series of scandals was nominated in 2018 and last year. Although he failed to win on both occasions he believs this year could be his year, he says he’s “match fit” having learnt some new inappropriate innuendos and jokes and the number of funeral enquiries is on the rise.
The awards were due to be held in the Albert Hall this weekend but due to the Corona virus all undertakers are now on stand-by and very busy, so the event will now take place later in the year. Probably. We all wish Mr Terry of Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors the best. His dad, Terence Sr, won six times back in the heady 1970s so his son has a lot to “live” up to.

Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Laid-To-Rest Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

The Blind Badger Pub Becomes “The Blind Grocer”

Hello Beckworth. As they say necessity is the food for the thought, so i’m just letting you all know that your favourite pub has had to close due to draconian measures to stop the spread of the Corona Virus (I thought pubs would be exempt as in times of crisis we keep every one merry and out of the shops)… But good news, we have teamed up with TV’s Greg Wallace to re-open as a green grocer. Yes, that’s right we can now sell fruit, veg alongside our bottled beers, ciders, wines, pork-scratchings, etc… Greg will run the “shop” as he’s currently unemployed like most TV people and his own shop is being redecorated. Lucky for us he’s such a talented grocery bloke and willing to teach us bar staff about marrows, plums and other stuff. So come on down, but please bring your own plastic bags and wear a mask & gloves. Cindy Carmarthen, Fruit & Veg Assistant, The Blind Badger Grocers

Greg & The Blind Grocer 3(Above) Resourceful Greg Wallace takes a well-earned enforced break from his fantastic TV career to sell his groceries from the pub

 

Beckworth Leads The Way With Almost Total Lock Down

Hello Beckworth. This is your C-Virus free leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce, that as of midnight tonight all non-essential shops will close in Beckworth and surrounding towns and villages. Food retailers, off licences, chemists, carpet showrooms, banks and post offices will remain open for the time being, but if visiting any of these please consider others and keep two metres apart. The park remains open but only for jogging, no walking please as this will lead to congestion. We need to take this virus very seriously, I myself am in lockdown keeping the council running on your behalf, with only the council staff to bring me anything I require at any time. Keep home, keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.

Locks

(Above) A very well locked Beckworth shop earlier today

Dear Prof Cox Why Did The Lovely Dinosaurs Die?

Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your manicured mentor Prof Brian Cox here, and although i’m about to take a “beauty nap” before attending a celebs only Skype call with Prince Charles, i’m contractually obliged to write you this missive…Therefore, I’m once again using my immense knowledge of the universe to improve your lives. Today’s question came from a young lad called Neil, who wants “help” with his school homework. He says he and his chums are all going to be schooled from home for a while as the C-Virus has closed their school. I’m guessing a lot of children will be wanting “Uncle” Brian’s help in the coming weeks. Watch this space… Anyway Neil wants know “What Killed The Dinosaurs”

Firstly, to give you some context  I shall give you some background information about the dinosaurs. They roamed the earth about 5 or 6 thousand years ago. I say roamed as they didn’t live in houses nor were they kept in cages or fields like today’s animals. Farming and zoos hadn’t been invented yet. These lumbering giants were constantly on the move, apart from when they slept, looking for the next meal. Just like humans dinosaurs were all different, some were tall, scruffy and thin, some short, big boned & sexually inactive, others colourful & beautiful with great hair & teeth making them very attractive to the opposite and same sex, rather like me. Many ate meat, some ate fish and whilst others were strict vegans… But what they all had in common was a lack of wings. They simply couldn’t fly.

And it was this stupid inability to learn to fly, or even to invent aeroplanes, that made them extinct. How come Uncle Brian? I hear Neil and all the young people ask…

Let me take you back in time to dinosaur time. For hundreds of years every creature was very happy. There was low unemployment, plenty to eat and the world was warm and sunny most days. Even when it rained everyone was happy. Dinosaurs probably didn’t wash much and the rain was natures way of making them have a well deserved shower (sadly without soap). But one day the dinosaurs looked up to the sky, it was darkening and sun was becoming blotted out. They probably discussed amongst themselves what it could be? Clouds? An old satellite falling to earth, or perhaps the moon doing one of those eclipse things it did every now again just to annoy them. In the end the dinosaurs decided to run and hide. But the meteorite was so big there were no good places to hide… Not even caves or mud huts could shelter them. So sadly they all perished due to a large rock being fired at the Earth by aliens. In just one morning, afternoon, or early evening they were all wiped out. Dead.

Had they been able to fly (or had helicopters), they would have survived simply by flying out of harms’ way and sitting in trees… If they’d had that one skill, or a pilots licence, they would be around today. That is why we have birds today, they could fly out of the way and survive…And before you ask we still have fish and sharks because the meteorite missed the sea by a few miles. Lucky that, imagine a world without fish & chips or Jaws!

So there you go, another “Did You Know This” fact complete. I’m going to get off now, grab a quick forty winks, wash my hair and get onto my laptop to join Prince Charles and other clever celebs in creating a cure for Corona Virus  Keep well, Prof Brian Cox.

Prince Charles & Brian Cox 2

(Above) An artist’s impression of Prof Brian Cox, Sir Prince Charles and celebrity chums finding a cure for Corona Virus using the prof’s DNA

Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market. New Date Announced, Probably

Hello Beckworth. This is your leader speaking. Like many of you I am currently working from home, with my council staff delivering food and meals to me… As you know we took the decision this week to postpone the Annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market, which was due to happen today. We looked at taking the event online, using video calling, but when we tried it on Friday it proved impossible to get the animals to “perform to camera.” So now the free event will most likely be postponed until Father’s Day… We’re not sure when that is but Countryfile‘s John Craven (who will host the event) has said he’ll try and find out. I’ll keep you posted, and in the meantime if you have any home-cooked meals or alcoholic drink to deliver to me, please leave all items in my porch, ring the doorbell and run. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.

Market

(Above) An artists accurate depiction of the empty market yesterday, or perhaps today