Corona Virus news just in… Today (or was it yesterday?) is officially the start of the Spring Solstice, that’s a fancy name for Spring, and our local druids and druggies weren’t going to let the threat of an early death or a fever dampen their spirits. I’m told that this morning at around 5am they put on their usual unabashed display of nudity, folk singing and fornication at sunrise this morning… I would have reported on this in person but i’m “working” from home, and let’s face it, who in their right mind wants get up at the crack of dawn just to be put off breakfast by some old hippies shaking their gnarled old naughty bits around some ancient burial site. For God’s sake it’s the 21st century, not some episode of Game of Thongs or whatever its called… Plus i’ve got panic buying to do at Sainsco today… An eye witness said the number of druids, witches and tramps in attendance was down on last year, which did allow them to observe social distancing as they pranced and sang whilst circling the Hammerite standing stones. I’m told they’ll be doing it all over again in June, if we’re not in total lock down, when it’s summer time. Not that I plan to attend, even if i’m actually allowed out… I value my sanity. Plus God invented clothes for a reason!!!! Christine Batley. Deputy Chief C-Virus Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) An artists impression of Beckworth’s naked, Spring celebrating, soap-dodgers

Breaking Corona Virus news just in… Local supermarket Sainsco has today, like many food retailers, taken the drastic step of introducing rationing, but with a clever twist. I interviewed store manager Patricia Mulligan yesterday (by phone, i’m self isolating away from anyone who works with the “great unwashed”) to find out more and ask her to put some loo roll and wine aside for me. Ms Mulligan explained that rationing was in response to greedy people bulk-buying and clearing shelves as soon as stock arrived “many people have been filling their trolleys with essentials such as Jamie Oliver cookbooks and asparagus… toilet roll and bottom wipes are the first to go… I’ve heard that many customers believe the virus will leave them stuck on the lav for days… pasta and rice are sold out, so are those cook-in sauces especially the italian ones… biscuits and tea, so i’m assuming people will be self isolating by having tea parties or making industrial quantities of bolognaise…” she went on (and on) to say “we’ve not had deliveries of soap, washing up liquid or birthday cards for weeks, though i’m not sure the latter has anything to do with the virus… it may be that Doreen in the cards isle has just repeatedly forgotten to order any cards” It was at this point that I managed to interrupt Patty’s “fascinating” insight into store life and ask her what rationing measures she was putting in place? It was then that she told me of the twist at her branch of Sainsco. She explained “I was watching the new TV series of Supermarket Sweep, presented by the dishy Ryan Clark- Kneels-Down, and I realised that was how we could turn a crisis into lots of fun” She went on to at last furnish me with the details “We are allowing each customer a one minute trolley dash around the store to buy as much as they can… We did a trial run with a visiting minibus of pensioners yesterday evening and it was a great success. They didn’t manage to strip any shelves bear, apart from the incontinence section.” With that I managed to get her off the phone so I could watch Ant & Dec. Anyway, it sounds like Pat’s hit on a great idea that, perhaps, many other stores should follow. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief I’m Stocking Up On Spirits & Crisps Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) Handsome Ryan Clark-Kneels-Down presenter of TV’s Supermarket Sweep

Breaking entertainment news just in…. One of Beckworth’s less well known, or funny, local impersonators (and street cleaner) has announced he is to take immediate retirement due to the untimely sad death of his hero, and subject of his entire act. Nick Parsnips says he could probably never again perform his tribute to Nicholas Parsons without crying, unless fans force him out of retirement… Which I have to say, having seen his act the last time he performed it over 15 years ago, is highly unlikely. I wish him the best in retirement, the high street will be a very slightly less tidy place without Nick smoking a “rolly” whilst leaning on his broom and shouting “i’m live from Norwich” or “you’ve got one minute to get past me without deviation” to the puzzlement of passers-by. I would like to extend my sincere condolences to Mr Parsnips’s wife for putting up with him and especially to the family of TV and radio legend Nicholas Parsons. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Sale Of The Century Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking vacuous reality TV news just in… A good-looking young billionaire toff has been unceremoniously booted off the terrible yet addictive viewing sex programme Love Island for shooting rhinos, squirrels and hippos… I kid you not, in breaks between filming him kissing and canoodling lasses from the Thames Estuary he has been out big game hunting and posting videos on tinder or grinder or wherever it is you post such guff… But good news for us is that local legend, Jack Agoogoo (Fresh from losing I’m A Celebrity) is being flown out to join the cast and no doubt prove a hit with the ladies… His sister, Nelly has just texted me that he is being paid “over fifty quid and a years worth of condoms” to go on it. She added she’d asked if she could also go on it, but sadly there weren’t any other vacancies. Bad luck Nelly, Good luck to Jack. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Reality TV Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette