Early morning news from Rio… Local could-be gold-medalist Bethany Folkestone has made it through to the semi-finals of the 2016 Olympics Games skipping which will take place tomorrow night in Rio. Confusingly that will mean it won’t be shown on telly until Saturday morning in the UK. Plucky 8-year old Bethany came last amongst the plucky skipping qualifiers but I am told she’s probably keeping her energy stored for the finals. It has also emerged that her Olympic costume is currently on a plane circling Beijing but may arrive in Rio in time for the closing ceremony (Bethany is currently competing in her vest and a pair of borrowed far-too-large shorts). Good luck to Bethany. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) An artists impression of the view of Beijing that Bethany’s lost gym kit is currently enjoying

Breaking news from Rio… Local would-be gold-medal Bethany Folkestone will be competing in the qualifying rounds of the 2016 Olympics Games skipping this evening at 11.22pm our time. Confusingly in Brazil it will be morning, so don’t be surprised to see competitors still in their jim-jams eating breakfast. In a text message to her Mum here in the UK plucky 8-year old Bethany said she was excited to be competing at last despite still not having her gym kit (the airline who lost it say it’s currently on it’s way to New Zealand). Good luck to Bethany. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) An artists impression of the plane carrying Bethany’s lost gym kit

Breaking David Cameron news just in… The Sunday Times newspaper has just released more details of the Tory faithful who “helped” Mr Dave in office and who are likely to be “thanked” in his latest honours list… One of the 943 new conservative peerages is said to be local lad, Mohammed Barnsley, who for many months has been delivering daily papers, “amateur photography” mags and comics to the Cameron’s third home here in Beckworth. If the peerage comes true it will certainly be a great day for the town, and a morale boost for all the plucky paper-round lads and lasses around the country. If he is elected to the “House Of Lords” 11 year old Master Barnsley would be one of the youngest right-wing Lords ever. I’ll keep you posted if i get more honours list news… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Cash For Honours Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) An artist’s impression of young Master Barnsley dressed as a Lord

Breaking news from a few hours ago… Local would-be gold-medal skipper Bethany Folkestone surprised all the World last night by leading out team GB in the opening ceremony of the 2016 Olympics Games. A clearly delighted 8-year old Bethany was allowed to stay up past her bedtime and got to carry a small Olympic twig, whilst her new BFF and Rio room-mate Andy Murray got to show off by waving a far too big English flag. Congratulations to Bethany. And to Andy… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) Bethany, on the right, carrying her souvenir Olympic twig with pride

Newsflash, newsflash… Local would-be gold-medalist Bethany Folkestone has arrived in Rio for the 2016 Olympics Games after a gruelling 96 hour journey. In a text an exhausted Bethany said she’s desperate for the loo and could do with having something to eat and drink. Hopefully in a Nandos. In a second text she mentioned her luggage had been lost, so she may have to compete barefoot in her vest and pants. We wish Bethany well in Brazil and hope her gym kit arrives very soon. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Rope Jumping Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) An artists’ impression of Bethany’s missing Olympic gym kit

Breaking newspaper news just in… Media moguls have just announced in our office, via an email, that the centuries old Beckworth Guardian has been sold to neighbouring rival newspaper The Slocombe Herald. Last week the Herald bought it’s other main rival, The Nightly Gazette evening paper, so now has a monopoly in the Beckworth region. In a misspelt statement leaked to some staff the new “foreign investor” owners claimed the buyout represented a bright future for us all, but probably less bright for the many staff who will be persuaded to take voluntary redundancy or be sacked on the spot. My boss has announced her “very early retirement” (she’s only 34) and we’re told that as of now the paper’s will be merged into one snapilly named title, Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette (B.A.S.H.I.N.G.) with the first issue hitting the streets lunchtime tomorrow. The timing is to cleverly pick up readers of both the replaced morning and evening papers. The new title is still going to be chock full of the latest local news and still hate anything European, left-wing, liberal or green. For the time being I have been demoted and will have to reapply for my job, but I am confident the respected new editor (coming from a national newspaper) will value my talent. So it’s RIP Beckworth Guardian and bon voyage Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Is My Job Safe Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette