Tag Archives: Nick Clegg

The Green’s Show Their True Colours

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Breaking news… This morning on a visit to the marginal constituency of Beckworth South the Green Party showed how public transport would look if they get into Number 10. In a selfless act of coalition the green’s leader Caroline Lucas gave opposition leaders a lift into town after both their tour buses had broken down with punctures (mysteriously nails were found on the road). I’ll keep you posted on all the hot political news as it happens… Christine Batley. Chief Political Puncture Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Caroline Lucas gives a lift to the LibDem’s Nick Clegg and UKIP’s Nigel Farrage

Remember Remember The 5th Of November Is Actually Happening On The 8th

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Hello all. Just a reminder that Beckworth’s bonfire celebrations will be happening on Saturday 8th not tomorrow night. Attractions will include an unlit bonfire (due to health and safety concerns), a candle-lit choir, vegetarian hot-dog stand and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made from bottle tops by the local branch of Alcoholics Anonymous. At 6.45 there will be a talk on the history of fireworks and stuff by Brian Cox (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the Peppa Pig band will be hosting an open-air festival. The main event will of course be local celeb Nick Clegg setting off over a dozen large “pet friendly” silent fireworks (due to health and safety concerns raised by the RSPCA). Also, not to be missed at 7.30 the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging the gun powder plot again this year (complete with horses, false-beards and real gun powder) in the scout hut, hopefully without the fire damage incurred last year. So see you there! G. Grimsby. Mayor

Pantomime – Open Auditions

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Pantomime season is almost upon us and in the spirit of Christmas The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some minor walk-on parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. We are extremely lucky to be putting on the first ever production of Cinderella and The Seven Beanstalks, written by Beckworth’s very own Mr Musical, Andrew Lloyd Webber (with a bit of help from his brother Sir Tim Rice). And a successful panto wouldn’t be a success if the lead parts weren’t taken by The Krankies (as the ugly giants), a member of Eastenders (Dot Cotton aka June Brown will be playing Cinderella) and a 1980s pop singer you may vaguely have heard of (Professional scouser Sonia will be playing one of our beanstalks). Other stars appearing will be Alan Titchmarsh as Zips (Button’s brother), Coldplay and Muse as the Seven Dwarfs and Jodie Marsh as Prince Charming . But we will still need cast members for inconsequential non-speaking parts. Auditions for these will be held this Thursday evening at 7.30 in our rehearsal space (above Chiswicks The Fishmongers) and are open to anyone who can sing and dance and are extremely good looking. Director (and local politician) Nick Clegg says he wants to find the next Su Bo and Gareth Gates, so please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own tap shoes. Given the success of our last panto, Aladdin In The Hood, we expect to be a large turn-out, so arrive early. See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

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(Above) Eastender’s June Brown trying on her Cinderella costume earlier today

What Goes Up Must Come Down

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Hello all. News just in… Local celeb Janet Street-Porter’s attempt to become the first woman with a deaf dog to go around the World in a hot air balloon has come to a dramatic end this lunch time. Sadly after travelling almost 8 miles in 48 hours Mrs Janet’s balloon got blown back to near where it took off only to get snagged on a phone-line. A shaken Mrs Porter-Street said she hoped to try her attempt again next year when the nice weather returns. Thankfully no one was injured in the crash and Mrs St Porter was last seen being comforted by local politician and St John’s Ambulance volunteer Nick Clegg in the pub. Over a shandy and rum chaser Ms Janet said she hopes to able to reuse her balloon once it’s been patched up by the local girl guides and brownies. Good luck with the puncture repairs Beckworth Beavers. Christine Batley. Chief Air Accident Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Mrs Porters balloon popped on a phone line earlier today

The OAFs Need You

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Fellow citizens of Beckworth, and surrounding environs, the time has come for us to defend our way of life, to put on a united front to and stop faceless corporations mugging us on our high street in broad daylight. I am of course talking about the harmful fracking that has started on Floyd Street, Beckworth’s heart if you will. Without warning the road and pavements (sidewalks to our non-English speaking foreign residents) of our vibrant shopping street are being torn up, just to find gas for cookers. I can speak for the majority of residents when I say we cook with electric so have no need for this fracked gas (apart from a small need to run the central heating, but thats just in winter and cold days the rest of the year). So I am organising an anti-fracking group, Oldies Against Fracking, and will tirelessly campaign to stop this digging up of our high street just for the greater good of this country. I didn’t even vote for Nick Clegg‘s Liberals and know fracking is his ruddy idea! This coalition will be the end of us, gas or no gas! Anyway, please join us this Wednesday at 10am when we will attempt to surround the fracking site with a human shield (Bring sarnies and a flask as we plan to be there until near tea time, or earlier if it rains).

Ray Eastleigh. Founder Member. Oldies Against Fracking (OAFs)

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(Above) The Fracking starts on Beckworth High Street