Good evening Beckworth. Apologies that this year’s bonfire celebrations had to be cancelled at the last minute. This was because we couldn’t find any matches to light the bonfire or fireworks. If all goes well, and we have a lighter, the fireworks night celebrations should go ahead tomorrow. Or failing that Monday… Attractions will hopefully still include a torch-lit barbershop quartet and all lady jazz band, vegan food stalls and topical effigy of Theresa May made by the local mother and toddler group. As per usual Prof Brian Cox will retell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the over 18s we’ve got locally brewed ales on draft. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) The effigy of Theresa May ready for the bonfire

Good morning Beckworth Thank you all, well almost all, for supporting the Trick Or Treat ban last night and creating a wonderful almost incident free Halloween. Most residents celebrated behind closed doors and only sixty-four arrests were made thanks to the council’s zero-tolerance policy and the Police Riot Squad patrolling in armoured cars through the night. As usual it was the under 10s causing the most problems, a police spokesperson blaming the rioting that ensued in the McDonalds drive-through most likely due to the McFlurrys running out. On a lighter note, congratulations go to the Madonna family, with Mum winning the hotly contested adult Halloween Costume competitions, and daughter Loads winning the under-18s competition. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Mrs Madonna pictured in her back garden with daughter Lords, both modelling their Halloween costumes last night

Good morning Beckworth. I’m sorry to impart bad news, especially as it falls on the day of Strictly, but I have to inform all residents that I have taken Police advice and banned trick or treating once again… It is the only way of keeping Beckworth safe this Halloween and comes after yet another year on year increases of muggings by under 10s. The town’s ageing population already live in fear of clowns and now worry that Halloween night has been highjacked by far-right yummy-mummys and by Satan worshipping youth clubs. I hope the ban won’t effect your enjoyment of all-hallows eve. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Terrifying scenes like this will banned this Halloween

Good evening Beckworth. I’m sorry to impart bad news, especially as it falls on Bake Off night, but as Mayor one of my duties is to send out messages of condolence to local failures… In this case local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Once again they are the proud losers of (tonight’s) Chip Shop World Championships. As in previous years they failed to win, or in fact get in the five this year, of the prestigious competition which is televised on the Playboy channel, and repeated on Dave. This time the chip-shop team, led by new head chef Eric Clapton, came last simply because their food was deemed inedible and their signature dish, fish fingers chips and beans, was not properly defrosted. Marks were also lost for trying to kidnap a judge. I’m sure they’ll do better next time. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) An artists’ impression of local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah’s chips

Hi, thanks to all the readers and contributors to this website for your patience and the two messages of support during our strike-imposed “radio silence” during the last few weeks. Thanks to arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them to “work” from home most of the week. So it’s now all systems go and we should be able to resume almost daily posts… Although the IT scum have said they won’t be rushing back to their computers whilst the current heatwave is on. Typical commy b****rds! Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) An artists’ poor impression of our IT department back at work

Good morning Beckworth. Please accept this post as forewarning that the council’s very lazy communist-sympathising IT department is due to have it’s annual strike from this evening, so this blog you’re reading may shut down for a while. This year’s strike has been (allegedly) agreed with management and the husband and wife techy team are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all weekday afternoons and two mornings, and never work any overtime, especially if Star Trek is on telly. We are a reasonable employer but this demand is really taking the p**s as these IT muppets don’t even have internet at home, although I believe they do have Sky and Netflix, paid for by the council (negotiated during a previous strike). Also i’ve found out the IT scum already “work” all-day at home on Friday so they can enjoy a lie in followed by an all-day session in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. We’re hoping to go to arbitration as soon as possible, but personally I just want to sack the miserable bearded b*st*rds. Sorry in advance for any upset caused. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) One of Beckworth’s striking IT B*st*rds

Good afternoon Beckworth. This is a reminder from your wonderful mayor’s office that this weekend’s Joan Collins’s Birth Day Parade will be starting at 9:00am on Sunday not Monday as previously advertised (due to heavy rain being forecast for 30th May). For the last 63 years we have combined our Whitsun Bank Holiday celebrations with Mrs Collin’s birthday in exchange for the popular actress laying on most of the cheap entertainment, food and drink and donating trucks for use as floats. This year is extra special as we will also be celebrating HRH The Queens‘ 90th birthday, so the event will have a truly Royal flavour. I trust we will see crowds of enthusiastic spectators all along the 5 mile route; starting at the library steps and snaking all the way to Slocombe Aquarium. Birthday lady Joan Collins (103 years old this year) will be dressing as a “queen fish” due to a sponsorship deal with the Aquarium and in recognition of Elizabeth II’s birthday. I’m reliably informed Ms Joan will probably wear a majestic manta ray costume and be swimming in a specially built fishbowl on wheels, so that should should be spectacular. We were hoping the Red Arrow’s would perform a flypast but they claim to have been double-booked. On a positive note Noel Edmunds has promised to put on a death-defying kite display around lunch time. Local east end hardman, and recent beneficiary of a double-hip replacement, Ross Kemp will once again lead the floats and the WI marching band on his bicycle. See you all on Sunday. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) A clearly excited Joan Collins gets her glad-rags on for Sunday’s parade