Breaking old cookware news… Local amateur archaeologists have unearthed what is being described, by other amateur archaeologists, as the find of the century. The local amateur archaeologists were mindlessly digging around in the sandpit in the children’s playground when they discovered what appeared to be some broken pottery in amongst the disguarded syringes and used condoms. Once they had dug out the remains and repaired to a real-ale pub they realised the real magnitude of their find. It appears our local bearded heroes have discovered the world’s oldest casserole dish. One of these chaps (it’s always blokes isn’t it) said “It probably dates back a few hundred years, to the bronze age or whatever a really old time long ago is called.” he then added “Until now chef’s thought the casserole dish was had been invented in the 19th century by Louis Pasteur (the father of one pot cookery), so this find turns history on his head. We’ll be getting it carbon dated to date it precisely and then, we are hoping to have it glued back together by next Easter so we can start cooking in it again. Just as our ancestors did.” Christine Batley. Chief Pot Boiler Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Local history people dig up the ancient casserole dish

(Above) an artists impression of how the ancient casserole dish would most likely have looked in ancient times

Breaking follicle new just in… In celebration of American Independence Day tomorrow a horse-drawn mobile hairdressers will be parading through the town in the morning before setting up shop on the sports field. It is an authentic “settlers” style wagon equipped with authentic blunt hair-trimming and shearing equipment and will be offering discounted GI and prairie style haircuts for young, old, boys and girls, ladies, gents, and sheep plus lice-removal and smallpox cures. They’ll also be selling 1776 period-style hot dogs (made of real dogs just like the settlers ate) and moonshine… and I hear they do bikini-waxes out the back if you ask nicely! It’ll be a great day out for the whole family, so miss it at your peril… Christine Batley. Chief Short Back & Sides Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of the hair dresser’s old wagon in town tomorrow

Breaking referendum news just in… Local Bremain campaigners are to challenge the legality of last week’s referendum over a technicality. It has come to light that many ballot sheets had misspelt European Union as European Onion, causing dozens of voters to believe it was just a referendum on the purchasing, or rejection, of multi-layered vegetables from across the channel, and as a consequence not of much historical importance. This could throw the results into disarray and mean a second referendum is needed. One in which Bremain would again offer an alternative way forward; one where we remained in the EU, whilst pretending we had left. Thus keeping almost everyone happy. Sadly this time round they only got 3 votes in the town, so they’d be hoping to do better if we get a second go. Christine Batley. Chief “Praying For A Miracle So I Can Still Buy A Time Share In Marbella” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An example of the faulty voting slip

Good Mayoral news just in…. At 9am this morning it was announced that Aashif Ackworth (conservative) was duly elected Mayor. It only took six recounts (and the Labour candidate being carted off to A&E after “an altercation due to counting irregularities”) before the town admitted defeat…. Christine Batley. Chief “Local Election” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Hello. I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, it will be my last in the unlikely event that I don’t get re-elected as mayor (hint, hint). The race was one of the greatest in living memory, with 226 fish competing and probably over a thousand spectators lining the river course. It was a nail biting wait to see who crossed the finish line first with many fish battling it out but in the end it was a very young local novice goldfish named Chips that took the chequered flag in a record time of 1 hour 22 minutes and 3 seconds… This was the 10 month old fish’s first ever race but he comes from good stock (his now-dead mum Rose won in 2014, coincidentally also wearing the lucky no 23) and was trained hard from birth by owner and trainer Robson Green. So congratulations to to Rod and Chips, and well done to all who took part and didn’t try to cheat. G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Proud trainer Rodson Greek holds aloft his winning pet goldfish Chips

After a week celebrating amateur writer made good Will.i.Am Shakespeare our attention turns to the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. It promises to be a fun morning for all the family, but please remember to keep all cats at home.

Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 11 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will once again be local builder, and a big fan of fish, Nick Knowles.

Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

Hello all. Tomorrow, Thursday, is a big day for the country as our beloved Monarch The Queen celebrates her 90th birthday and we as a council our keen to celebrate. We have decided to hold a parade in HRH’s honour on St. George’s Day (Saturday) so people can attend whilst doing their weekly shop. The small parade through the streets of Beckworth will be led by the Scouts and Brownies marching band, followed by some floats and a paper-mache tank attacking a giant dragon. The latter, which is cleverly mounted on a bike, was made by local school children as a topical allegory in remembrance of both World Wars (which Elizabeth II oversaw as our glorious leader). There will be historical re-enactments on the sports field of many of the great events that have happened in her life being Queen; such as man walking on the moon, the invention of television and the binmen strike of the 1970s. Plans for a flypast of drones (flown by geeky enthusiasts who think they are real pilots) is awaiting permission from the aviation authority. To make it a day out for the whole family we are laying on a bouncy Windsor Castle, putting local prisoners in the stocks so the public can throw rotten veg at them and having St George flag face painting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) An artist’s impression of Thursday’s St. George’s Day parade