Harvest Festival Service

Posted on 09/10/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5pm and finishing promptly at 6.30 so I can get home to watch both Strictly Come Dancing and the Antiques Roadshow before rushing off to the airport. As the parish magazine noted the service was brought forward by a week or two so I can accept the Bishop’s offer of a free two-week holiday with him and his male chums on the tropical island of Ibiza. I can’t wait…. But please be warned, if you should stupidly turn up after the service has ended and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out when I get back from holiday. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please take the items in a cool-bag to round to the verger’s house. I’d like to wish you all a wonderful Harvest, especially you farmers and grocers, and i’ll see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Popular harvest festival items wanted by the church

Fudge Appeal… Two Or Three Years On

Posted on 02/10/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I’m very pleased to say that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal have almost finished a bit more of their huge “Fudgeworth” model village (of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). They’ve made, literally, a ton of models in the past year or two, or three, but still need a few thousand fudge bricks to complete the model prison. Heston’s Dad said the duo need all of Beckworth’s residents to get off their fat a***s and make at least eleven kilograms of fudge each to get this part of the model finished in time for Christmas. Or failing that next spring… So let’s get baking Beckworth, the celebrity chefs need you. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for differently-abled residents not personally delivering fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Pantomime Auditions This Week

Posted on 01/10/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Pantomime season is almost within sight and in readiness of Christmas The Beckworth Players are holding open auditions for this year’s theatrical pantomime extravaganza. This Thursday we will start looking for fresh talent to play some minor roles in our much anticipated 2016 panto. Could there be a part in it you? To be honest probably not, but the auditions are a good laugh for us judges. But what of the panto I hear you ask…. Well, for five or six nights around Christmas we will be putting on an original festive performance very loosely based on the story of Cinderella. In our story, written and directed by Bake Off‘s Paul Hollywood, poor Cinders is left at home whilst her ugly sisters, played by Paul’s ex-colleagues Mel and Sue, go off to bake in a big tent. The panto is called Cindella’s Soggy Bottom, but I won’t give the ending away… Just to say Cinders, played by Fearne Cotton (a last minute replacement for Mary Berry who currently isn’t talking to her son Paul), ends up secretly winning the Channel 4 sponsored Bake Off… Then the Prince who’s judging it, played by Mr Hollywood, sets off to find the secret baker… All the good parts have already been taken by key members but we will still need new “talent” for the boring non-speaking parts, the odd dance and baking routine and to sell Paul’s bakery products in the interval. As usual auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to almost anyone, though for gorgeous, slim, young people are preferred, so if you’ve got a face like an angry walrus or take up two seats on the bus don’t waste our time. Paul says he wants to find the next Will Young, Kim Kardashian or Cara Delevingne, preferably with puff-pastry skills. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own rolling pin.

See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

(Above) Handsome Paul Hollywood with his ugly sisters Mel and Sue

Local Restaurant Loses It’s Michelin Star After Just One Year

Posted on 27/09/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Shocking foody news just in… Local restaurant (and takeaway) The Bamboo Caravan has today, after a lengthy investigation lasting at least half an hour, been stripped of it’s one Michelin star. Nigel Po, proprieter and chef, has closed the eaterie early today and told me all over a home-brewed shaojiu “I ask you, how can the French b****rds strip me of my hard won star…” before adding “And they’ve sacked my Porsche driving cousin, the very popular local Michelin restaurant inspector. The editor’s of the guide have trumped up some charge that he was on the fiddle, just because he’s handed out over 334 Michelin stars to local take-aways in the last year” Commiserations to Mr Po and all his talented staff. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Crispy Duck & Spring Roll Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) The popular Beckworth restaurant that’s just accidentally lost it’s one Michelin star

Britain – Open For Business, All Welcome

Posted on 16/09/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking potential new business news just in… Following yesterday’s announcement that our close friends the Chinese and French are to build and run a new Nuclear power plant at somewhere called Hinkley Point in the UK, leaked documents show this appears to be the merest of hints of Government ambitions. The top-secret document, left in a public toilet cubicle, show that new PM Teresa May‘s quest is to sell everything off to the lowest bidder thus reducing the burden on the state which in turn could possibly reduce the country’s debt in the short term and give a lot of directorships to her friends and colleagues. North Korea are said to in the running to own and operate all the UK’s utility companies, Russia to supply and operate the UK’s nuclear deterrents, Zimbabwe to operate our border controls and Iran to train and control our police forces. “It’s an ambitious and quickly thought out plan which is to be applauded” a Tory flunky told me earlier this morning over a sherry “Even if in the long term it costs tax payers over the odds it will be worth it to save the Government having any responsibilities so we can get in on with the important stuff like reintroducing Grammar Schools and making sure unhealthy food is advertised to children” I’ll keep you posted if I get any more news from the top secret dossier… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Post Brexit Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) An artists’s impression of a public toilet cubicle where secrets could be left

I’m A Celebrity Rumours On The Net…

Posted on 09/09/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking downmarket TV news just in… The worldwide web is awash with rumours of who will be starring in the next series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and not one, but three, Beckworth residents are said to be taking part. I’m reliably told that the speculation of celebrity’s taking part has come from top secret documents that Dec, one of the little Geordie twins who presents the jungle-based show, left on the school bus this morning. Local celebs who are said to have booked their flights to Australia (where the show is filmed) include QC (and B&B landlady), Cherie Blair, retired Pope Benedict “Benny” XVI and owner of the town’s stinky bolognaise sauce factory Lloyd Grossman. I’ll keep you posted if I get confirmation that this bunch will be appearing on the programme… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief TV Gossip Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’s little Geordie presenters Ant or Dec, or perhaps it’s Dec and Ant

Eric Fail In World Championships

Posted on 07/09/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Good evening Beckworth. I’m sorry to impart bad news, especially as it falls on Bake Off night, but as Mayor one of my duties is to send out messages of condolence to local failures… In this case local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Once again they are the proud losers of (tonight’s) Chip Shop World Championships. As in previous years they failed to win, or in fact get in the five this year, of the prestigious competition which is televised on the Playboy channel, and repeated on Dave. This time the chip-shop team, led by new head chef Eric Clapton, came last simply because their food was deemed inedible and their signature dish, fish fingers chips and beans, was not properly defrosted. Marks were also lost for trying to kidnap a judge. I’m sure they’ll do better next time. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) An artists’ impression of local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah’s chips

Strike Over… Hopefully

Posted on 04/09/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hi, thanks to all the readers and contributors to this website for your patience and the two messages of support during our strike-imposed “radio silence” during the last few weeks. Thanks to arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them to “work” from home most of the week. So it’s now all systems go and we should be able to resume almost daily posts… Although the IT scum have said they won’t be rushing back to their computers whilst the current heatwave is on. Typical commy b****rds! Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) An artists’ poor impression of our IT department back at work

Strike Warning

Posted on 19/08/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Good morning Beckworth. Please accept this post as forewarning that the council’s very lazy communist-sympathising IT department is due to have it’s annual strike from this evening, so this blog you’re reading may shut down for a while. This year’s strike has been (allegedly) agreed with management and the husband and wife techy team are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all weekday afternoons and two mornings, and never work any overtime, especially if Star Trek is on telly. We are a reasonable employer but this demand is really taking the p**s as these IT muppets don’t even have internet at home, although I believe they do have Sky and Netflix, paid for by the council (negotiated during a previous strike). Also i’ve found out the IT scum already “work” all-day at home on Friday so they can enjoy a lie in followed by an all-day session in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. We’re hoping to go to arbitration as soon as possible, but personally I just want to sack the miserable bearded b*st*rds. Sorry in advance for any upset caused. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) One of Beckworth’s striking IT B*st*rds

The New Football Season Kicked Off Last Saturday…

Posted on 16/08/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

…And we missed the first games! Both our local football teams, the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals, got the dates mixed up and thought their first matches were this coming Saturday and Sunday. Last weekend they were due to play at home in their first new season matches in the Co-Operative FuneralCare League and crowds duly assembled at the pitch. But the teams never showed. I hear they were spotted in a Beckworth pub enjoying some well-earned pre-season bonding… But not to worry, they would have been defeated anyway… the men’s team has for the last 14 seasons (they’ve got an impressive 100% match defeat record) and the women have a 96% defeat record. We’re still hopeful to put together a LGBT team this year, though we’re struggling to find players or think up a snappy team name. Good luck to all players this season. G. Grimsby. Linesman and now coach.

(Above) An artist’s impression of our football teams getting in some practice

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings