Hello. We’ve just had our first unconfirmed sighting in days of Fern Britton‘s prison-break lamas. They have been spotted dug-in and taking stock up on Archer’s Hill. As I write a crack team of Lama hunters, including Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama ranger), heroic have-a-go hero Ross Kemp, along with his have-a-go hero brother off TV, Phil Mitchell, are cycling to the hills to “engage with the enemy,” a heroic Ross told me over the phone. He also texted this photograph just before they went lama spotting, which was very kind.

I tried contacting Mrs Britton to keep her informed but just got her answer machine. Still it was only 10.30am and she’ll need her beauty sleep after her very loud Eurovision party kept the whole town awake last night. Anyway, with any luck this desperate situation will be over by the time I settle down to watch Country File tonight. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator