Tag Archives: michael jackson

Tempting Banana Used In Lama Drama

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bananas

Well I never, we’ve still got an ongoing situation concerning Fern Britton‘s escaped lamas, because “The Jackson Three” are still at large!! You may remember earlier this week I asked everyone to keep a look out for the 3 lama’s and I have been deluged with many sightings of them. You have spotted them all over Beckworth, from grazing outside the mosque to defecating near the car wash and we’ve even had unconfirmed sightings in the butchers and phone shop. I must once again state, in the interests of safety and hygiene, that Mrs Britton has warned that under no circumstances should the lamas be approached as they can be life threatening. So far the wily threesome have evaded capture but Fern’s own lama-cowgirl Doris Palmer has now set up a trap outside the opticians using the beasts’ favourite bananas as bait. If you see this trap please do not tamper with it as I’m told it could have your leg off. Doris has told me they can’t resist bananas and assures me this means the lamas will soon be captured and back home at Fern’s farm in time to watch Hollyoaks. Thanks for your time and enjoy the lama hunting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Judith Chalmers In Unfolding Bad Kharma Lama Drama

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My goodness, since my first message on this site yesterday my life has become just like an episode of News At Ten!!! You may remember I asked everyone to keep a look out for 3 lama’s that had escaped from local celeb Fern Britton‘s lama farm. Well, I have so far been inundated with eleven or so sightings of “The Jackson Three” (The lamas are named Michael, Janet and Jermaine). So far the cunning lamas have evaded capture and have been spotted all over the town, from Bingo at the Macadamia Hall to The Spa at Beckworth Hall, with a stop-off at the drive-through McDonalds and a toilet break outside the Two Fat Ducks restaurant in between. They were even spotted in the tinned veg aisle at Tesburys Supermarket by local celeb, and latenight TV Gold travel presenter, Judith Chalmers.

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Judith, a self-professed camel rider, says she was tempted to try and tackle them but thankfully had seen my website warning yesterday, and also thought that to deny the lamas their “escape to victory” would bring her bad kharma at a time when she is hoping to get back on to television and needs all the help she can get. To reiterate for those who missed my first message, Mrs Britton warned that under no circumstances should the lamas be approached as they do pose a seroius threat to the public, and other animals. If you do continue to spot the three runaways please let me know or contact Fern’s in-house lama-trainer Doris Palmer who will come and round them up (with a lasoo I presume?). Thanks for your time and have fun lama spotting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Lama Farmer Drama

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Women Of The Year Lunch

At last I can contribute to Beckworth’s website and all because of a camelid emergency. Please be on the look out for 3 lama’s that have escaped from local celeb Fern Britton‘s famous lama farm. Fern (the youngest daughter of the composer, and dead local celeb, Benjamin Britten) has been running her lama stud for twelve years and says this is the first time that any inmates have made a dash for freedom. Mrs Britton advises that under no circumstances should the general public approach the lamas (named Michael, Janet and Jermaine) as they can be quite dangerous when cornered and have venomous spit (I think that’s what she said, but it was a crackly phone line and I was on the loo at the time). If you do spot the three hairy runaways Fern, a close friend and neighbour of Phillip Schofield, says not to bother her but instead advises emailing me (how exciting!) or you can phone, text or even face-time, her partner (in business, not in love) Doris Palmer, who is known to the lamas and is thankfully trained in non-combative animal capture. Thanks for your time and happy lama hunting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator