Blimey, it seems like months since I had anything to report re: the horrific Stag Do Massacre case. PC Rozzer (my trusty four legged assistant) was supposed to be all over this crime but he has been chasing his tail and the only leads he’s dug up are dog leads. Whilst all the time I was laid up for a few weeks nursing an ingrowing toenail and watching daytime telly. Anyway, here I am on my first day back at work and a new clue lands on my desk. Literally. A wet and soggy large grey women’s bra was found, and photographed, by a vigilant member of the public. But rather than leave it where it was he stupidly brought it into the Police Station, so inconveniently my office is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad remotely destroy the bra as they believe it to be booby trapped (no pun intended). This “large” clue, was obviously left by the stripper after she’d finished her act entertaining the criminal gang on their stag night. We’re guessing she has been taken hostage by the 30 strong gang although they have yet to issue any demands. My guess is they don’t have any stamps with which to post it. And this is where you can help. Perhaps you have been approached by criminals wanting to buy first-class postage? Maybe you know someone who’s worked as a stripper and has lost the upper part of their stage outfit? Or possibly, you like me, you are wanting to know what is happening in Neighbours? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case as we slowly get back to work, without the use of an office. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

(Above) The triple-D ladies ladie’s undergarment pictured in situ earlier today