Tag Archives: Noel Edmonds

Local People Urged To Sign Up To Breakthrough Medical Trials

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Medical breakthrough news just in… Local pharamaceutical giant Goctor & Pramble have just made medical history, unveiling the world’s first cure for pubic baldness in The Lancet medical journal and garnering wordwide acclaim. Their patented Magnetic Merkin is claimed to be a life-changer for sufferers, up there with penecilin and incontinence pants. But before any such medical breakthrough can be sold to the NHS for billions of tax-payers pounds they must be trialed on poor people and made safe. The merkins proved fine when worn by lab-rats but the Beckworth employer is now asking for human volunteers to help them iron out any flaws with the natural looking synthetic pastel-hued hair-pieces. The company will pay impoverished local residents a nominal fee to wear the breakthrough metal-attracting pubic wig 24/7 for three months to flag up any disabilitating side-effects, such as genital chaffing, allergic-reactions and lead-poisoning. Goctor & Pramble’s inventor of the magnetic merkin Dr Neville Edmonds issued the following statement today: “I took my inspiration from my brother Noel’s beard and the everyday household items trapped within it. It struck me that groin-wigs could be enhanced by adding the life-improving high-tech benefit of magnetism.” He went on to add “Wearing one will make the patient’s discrete pubic region the ideal place to safely store all their family and friend’s metalic nik-naks. Such as keys, loose change, iron-mongery and cameras, whilst also covering up their privates from prying-eyes… And they will come in a one-size fits-all for ease of manufacture and comfort.” I will keep you updated on the trials as they happen, and I for one will be signing up to take part and earn £26 a week” Christine Batley. Chief Pubic Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Noel Edmonds, sporting his inspirational nik-nak strewn beard

Heroic Son Reaches Italy At Last

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Dear Beckworth. As promised I am keeping you, the many millions, if not billions, of my husband Noel’s fans up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil. Neil is a celebrated ice skating champion and mime artist, now celebrating the first year of his world Ice Skating tour, which has so taken in Kent, Gdansk, France (twice), Belgium and a stretch in a Spanish prison. He has just arrived at the Italian border and we can report that he is being held in a secure facility by customs, who think he is an illegal immigrant. His father Noel Edmonds hopes to fly out in a few weeks to secure Neil’s release, once he’s finished the new series of Deal Or No Deal. Neil still needs sponsorship so please donate via his dad’s website or by giving us cash in person. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmonds
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(Above) Neil Edmonds accommodation in sunny Italy

Valiant Son Resumes Ice-Skating Quest

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Dear Beckworth and a big hello to the legions of my husband Noel’s fans. Apologies  for not keeping you informed of the whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. As you know he left Beckworth a few months ago to take on a death-defying challenge, to skate and mime solo around the World, and was last heard of arriving in Liege, Belgium. Since then poor Neil has had to rest up for months in a five-star hotel due to a sprained ankle and visa violations. But now he is fully mended and with a valid passport is on the move again… With your help he aims to buy a first-class train ticket to Gdansk, to enter next months’ Eastern European Mime, Ice Skating and Whelk Eating Championships. It will be televised so his Dad and I are going join Neil there, and we will be representing the UK to in the mixed-doubles figure-skating category, so wish us luck. We are hoping this will get us interviewed on Euro telly, which will do wonders for Noel selling the Telly Addicts format overseas. You can sponsor us, or Neil on his 36 month gap year trip around the world, via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us your credit card details in person. Please give generously! Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmonds

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(Above) Noel and Nell Edmonds practice their tripple-silco in advance of competing in the Gdansk championships

Remember Remember Our 5th Of November

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Thank you to all who attended last night’s spectacular Beckworth bonfire celebrations and a special thanks to the emergency services who quickly dealt with all the injuries and the many incidents of arson. The fire brigade were very quickly on the scene to put out the fire at the scout hut which meant the very realistic re-enactment of the gunpowder plot could proceed, albeit without the benefit of having a roof . Also, special mention goes to Noel Edmonds who valiantly put on his (would-be) torch-lit kite display despite running out of batteries. For the few who could make out his kites in the dark night sky it was quite spectacular… probably. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) A dramatic moment captured during Noel Edmonds’ kite display

A King Is Born

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Hello all. It is wonderful to be able to share with you the news that Prince William and Princess Kate Middleton have given birth to our future heir, the baby boy King Of England. Born at 4.30 this afternoon, just before Noel Edmonds’ Deal Or No Deal, the baby was said “to be a real big bairn” by a Royal aide and to have his Grandfather’s ears. As is usual at Royal births the umbilical chord was cut by the reigning monarch and the baby presented to the hundreds of Royals, courtiers and ministers in attendance. But in a break with tradition the birth video will not be uploaded to youtube (though a commemorative DVD is planned). No news on the name but rumour mongers are saying Neville is the couple’s favourite. Anyway, I will let you know more about the birth when I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) A relaxed Noel Edmonds hosts his popular TV quiz
just minutes after the birth of our new King