Parrots Of The Caribbean – Open Auditions

Hello. We are starting auditions next week for our first dramatic performance of 2014 and are looking for new talent. This could be you! For five nights around Easter we will be putting on an original musical loosely based on the film Pirates Of The Caribbean. But in a twist of pure genius all the characters are birds of paradise not pirates, so it’s been imaginatively titled Parrots Of The Caribbean. Written down the pub by local girls made good Dame Maggie Smith and Sir Judie Dench, with a little help from Andrew Lloyd Webber‘s younger brother Neville, our performances will be a world first. I’ve seen the script in passing and given it’s novelty value it’s very likely to transfer to the West End or Broadway… or even Hollywood. So this could be your stab at stardom! First time director Gordon Brown will be auditioning hopefuls from 7pm daily but come early as auditions are bound to be very busy… And if you have your own feathered costume please wear it. The lead parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, daytime TV heartthrob Philip Schofield will play Jack SparrowHawk, but we will still need cast members for inconsequential non-speaking parts, the odd dance routine and to sell ice-creams in the interval. Auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to anyone. But to be honest we’re really looking for extremely beautiful people, so if you’re a bit of a minger don’t waste our time. Mr Gordon says he wants to find the next Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus or at least I think that’s what he said, but I was texting at the time. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own tap shoes. See you Monday, Chico (producer)

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(Above) Philip “Pip” Schofield excitedly tries on his new costume for the first time today

Tempah Tantrum Over Blown Bulbs

Hello all. Well, what a fantastic evening was had by all yesterday when local folk singer Tinie Tempah switched on Beckworth’s Christmas lights, probably the town’s best ever. And fortunately the ceremony was almost fault free and quite professional, we certainly didn’t want a repeat of last year when comedy duo Jedward were late arriving (their train was derailed by the wrong sort of leaves on the line), or the year before when Dame Judie Dench fell off the podium trying to press the faulty lights-on button. This year the only hiccup was a dozen bulbs blowing after the switch-on, leaving very small Mr Tampah inconsolable. But once placated with a mars bar and a Diet Fanta the little fella said the lights were “very pretty” or rap words to that effect. With the street lit-up it really does feel like Christmas is at last on it’s way… Also, a special mention to local lads made good, Jamie Oliver and his friend Gordon Ramsey, for their wonderful mulled wine and chilli infused mince pies, very yummy though not cheap at £15 a pop. Well done to Mssrs Oliver, Gordon and Mr Tiny. Christine Batley. Chief Christmas Lights Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Tiny Mr Tempah is carried by his minder to switch on the Christmas lights