Tag Archives: Prince Harry

Dr Cox Why Do The American Celebrate The 4th July, Is It Jesus’s Birthday?

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Hello all, it’s your genius Prof Brian Cox here. The line above asks “Is Today Jesus’s Birthday?” I get that out of the way straight away as I can answer it very quickly, whilst I comb my beautiful hair, and the answer is… No, of course its not! His birthday is at Easter, so you’ve missed it. To discover the reason our American friends celebrate 4th July we have to go back about 500 years in history to the Middle Ages (sometimes known as the Dark Ages as it was before Edison had invented light bulbs… or lighthouses). In those days terrible Tory landowners had inflicted heavy taxes on the poor here in England, so many poor folk emigrated as stowaways to the USA (that’s poor as in they had no money… not they were unlucky). Many of the very first US settlers were originally from Beckworth, such as Donald Trump‘s turnip picking ancestors Vince and Mary Trump. In fact “fact fans” the name Trump is in fact Turnip wrongly spelt when they landed in America! Anyway I digress… like many of their fellow Beckworth stowaways they settled within spitting distance of New York‘s famous Statue Of Liberty and named their new village New Beckworth, with whom we were once twinned until we fell out with them last year. Anyway, July 4th was chosen as a day to celebrate arriving in the USA as it was almost exactly half way through the year and the day when the first pub opened in New Beckworth. So that’s the answer, and remember who told you first… I’ve got to rush off now, I’m having a cream tea and drinks with my most special new friends HRH Princess Meghan and Prince Harry pals, and don’t want to be late…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.

Found: Best Man’s Tie

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Hello. Following yesterday’s discovery of a discarded Bride-Groom’s tie, the big news in the police canteen this morning is that a Best Man’s tie has also been found. It was stumbled upon late last night by a vigilant member of the public who was looking for somewhere to relieve themself on the way back from the pub. Daylight showed it to be a tie very similar to the first but in this instance tied to a post box. The area is currently cordoned off whilst bomb-disposal experts carry out a controlled-explosion in case the whole pillar box is booby-trapped. The necktie is made of stylish shiny grey fibre and is the type worn by upper class best men such as Prince Harry and Eastender’s Ian Beale as well as dodgy estate agents and teenage sales-people in PC World. So does this essential piece of wedding-attire belong to you? Did you deliberately dispose of it whilst posting a letter of apology to the bride-to-be, cancelling her dream wedding due to a prank on the stag night going terribly wrong and the groom not surviving? Perhaps his body is hidden in the boot of ther wedding car or buried in a shallow grave under the marquee? And maybe you have skipped the country to go on the happy couple’s honeymoon believing quite rightly that there’s no point in wasting two weeks in Ibiza? If so CID would like to hear from you or anyone else on the stag weekend. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be handling this dreadful murder case and hope to be in line for a large community reward when I find the decaying remains of the groom and return them to his grieving fiance. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) The Best Man’s tie found late last night whilst a member of the public had a leak against the post box under the cover of darkness