Hello to my Coxettes (my dear fans), it’s your beautiful Prof Brian Cox here. I’m sorry I didn’t finish answering yesterday’s burning question “why are we having such hot days this week.” My neighbours and close friends Sir Brian May and his mum (ex-PM) Teresa May popped round with a bottle of sherry to have a natter and admire my fabulous hair and my newly whitened teeth (they were very impressed), which meant I didn’t finish giving the scientific answer… So here goes, the UK is breaking temperature records (I’m told it was probably 38.1C yesterday, which is over 120 degrees in old money) because we’re being invaded by never before seen dessert plumes (tall winds to you plebs) travelling north from places like Iran, Israel and Japan. The plumes are blowing away fluffy clouds and bringing the most sunshine and daylight that we’ve ever seen… And because the UK is just like a big island, surrounded by deep seas and oceans, it feels even hotter and is making us crave cool Pimms and ice creams, which in turn raises temperatures. This creates a vicious circle, the more we drink and Cornettos we consume the hotter it gets… Today is cooler as most shops have now sold out of both, which is vey lucky… On a positive note I’ve managed to get a great all-over tan from nude sunbathing on my garage roof. I’m now going to show it off at the pub to best pals Amanda Holden & David Walliams. I don’t want to be late so better sign off…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
News exclusive just in. Today saw record crowds as dozens of enthusiasts attended the opening of Triangle Show in Beckworth and as promised Dawn French unveiled a world first. Local scientist and 1970s pop sensation Prof Brian Cox has discovered the universe’s first four sided triangle. Yes, you heard it here first, Mr Cox has found a microscopic three-sided structure from outer space, which has an additional fourth side. Brian told me over a Dairylea sandwich that “I only unearthed it due to a bet with Top Gear‘s Richard Hamster Hammond that triangles could have more than 3 sides… and so in between appearing on TV and playing with my band Ultavox I looked for an example everywhere.” Then he added “After 6 weeks of looking I found the four sided triangular atom in some space dust i’d got lying about.” He excitedly shook me by the shoulders and said “The discovery leads me to think that this unique atom may been the root of the big bang, or why dinosaurs disappeared. Our world can probably only handle three sides in a triangular structure and in our planet’s ancient past this fourth dimension has caused chaos and destruction, just like in Dr Who… So we’ll have to be very careful with this atom and keep it in a safe, or a shoe box… More sarnies?” So there you have it, a world first in Beckworth all thanks to a gambling Brian Cox. Enjoy the weekend, Christine Batley. Chief New Triangle Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) The 4-sided trangular atom recently discovered by Brian Cox in some dust