Tag Archives: Top Gear

Local Shop Keeper Announced As New Top Gear Presenter

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Hello. I just thought i’d let you know that the BBC has announced it’s hired local shopkeeper Matt Le Blanc to join their Top Gear televisual programme as a presenter. Mr Blanc, son of chef Raymond and a “resting actor” is of course best known in Beckworth as the owner of the Plonk De Le Blanc off-licence. Like many of our shopkeepers he took a second job, in his case performing bit-parts in television comedies, to get him through the recession and keep his shop open. Mr Matt will be joining the Top Gear next month alongside local mobile-DJ and hair salon owner Chris Evans and Beckworth’s famed blind driving instructor Mr The Stig. Good look to the boys, I hope the money made from their telly programme will help keep their local businesses afloat through these difficult times. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

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(Above) A clearly delighted Matt Le Blanc joins his fellow Top Gear hosts, Mr Evans and the mysterious Mr Stig, earlier today

Hit & Knit Bootcamp, Apply Now

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Greetings fitness fans. It’s time to limber up those knitting-needles and polish up your boxing gloves as August see’s the return of “our” highly successful Hit & Knit course. Started a few years ago by Beckworth’s very own “lady” TV tennis-commentator and horse-botherer, Clare Balding, the course seeks to give students a grounding in the mental & physical riguers of knitting combined with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Although inspired to start the classes by her heroes Eddie The Edwards Eagle and Amir Khan it was her own upbringing she drew on most as she comes from a bare-knuckle fighting dynasty. And her Great-Gran was a World famous speed knitter. In the past Clare has used Hit and Knit to successfully train the X-Factor judging panel, Prince George‘s nanny and the disgraced ex-presenters of Top Gear. In a new twist on the format, this year the course will run 24/7 for 4 weeks with all “inmates” living full-time in the gym changing rooms. Also, due to her busy schedule, Ms Balding has handed the course over to her good “friend” (and ex- Hit & Knit graduate) Michael McIntyre, ably assisted by Ms Clare’s very own Aunt Dolly. Places are limited so book early, and as the slogan says “before you can say Hit One, Purl One you’ll have made yourself a new sweater, with matching shorts, and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you!” All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £22,673 (excluding costs of materials, food and medical insurance). See you at the gym in August, Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

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(Above) Mrs Nora Balding, gearing up to assist on this years’ Hit & Knit course

Do You Know A Good Hangover Cure Brian Cox?

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Hello to all my devoted followers and my beloved hairdresser. Beautiful Professor Brian here to answer your New Year’s question “Is There A Cure For A Hangover?” I’ll keep this brief as for some unknown reason i’ve got a really bad headache and a bout of nausea… When our prehistoric ancestors invented alcohol as a way of forgetting their woes (noisy dinosaurs flattening their mud huts, mammoths eating the family etc) they accidentally gave the world the hangover. For millennia cultures have searched for an elusive remedy… But after 3 or 4 weeks of non-stop hands-on research on behalf of all humankind I’ve discovered that the best cure for a hangover is (drum roll please while i flick my luscious fringe)… to just carry on drinking through the next day… and the next.

So, in the spirit of scientific discovery I’m rushing off to meet my close friends from Top Gear in the wine bar for a shandy or three. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) Professor Cox’s drinking buddy Clarky Clarkson gets the first round in earlier today, who alongside Andy Hamster and Jimmy May are researching hangovers

World First At Triangle Show

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News exclusive just in. Today saw record crowds as dozens of enthusiasts attended the opening of Triangle Show in Beckworth and as promised Dawn French unveiled a world first. Local scientist and 1970s pop sensation Prof Brian Cox has discovered the universe’s first four sided triangle. Yes, you heard it here first, Mr Cox has found a microscopic three-sided structure from outer space, which has an additional fourth side. Brian told me over a Dairylea sandwich that “I only unearthed it due to a bet with Top Gear‘s Richard Hamster Hammond that triangles could have more than 3 sides… and so in between appearing on TV and playing with my band Ultavox I looked for an example everywhere.” Then he added “After 6 weeks of looking I found the four sided triangular atom in some space dust i’d got lying about.” He excitedly shook me by the shoulders and said “The discovery leads me to think that this unique atom may been the root of the big bang, or why dinosaurs disappeared. Our world can probably only handle three sides in a triangular structure and in our planet’s ancient past this fourth dimension has caused chaos and destruction, just like in Dr Who… So we’ll have to be very careful with this atom and keep it in a safe, or a shoe box… More sarnies?” So there you have it, a world first in Beckworth all thanks to a gambling Brian Cox. Enjoy the weekend, Christine Batley. Chief New Triangle Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) The 4-sided trangular atom recently discovered by Brian Cox in some dust