Spandau Ballet | Life in Beckworth

Hello all and happy autumn. Professor Brian here, and once again I’ve been asked to help those of you who don’t have my huge intelligence or good looks and great hair. Today, i’m answering a question emailed in from a Mr Arsene Wenger of North London and it’s one I get asked most harvest times. Arse says “Dear Brian. Yesterday I was sitting under a tree sheltering from the rain and a pear fell on my head. It got me thinking, who invented gravity and how long ago? I guess there was a time before it existed but history books don’t mention it. Please can you help? Yours, A Wenger”

Great question Mr Venger, but first may I suggest to you that you avoid sitting under a tree during a storm as it’s very dangerous (but that’s a story for another day). Also pears having nothing to do with the story of gravity… but amazingly another fruit does.
To find out when gravity was invented I had to do a lot of research and found myself in Beckworth library reading about the middle ages (i’m not sure what they were in the middle of yet, but with my inteligence i’m bound to find out).

I discovered a dusty old book called an Encyclopedia which explained that gravity hadn’t always existed and was invented some time between 1200AD and the out-break of World War One (some chapters were missing from the book so an exact date is beyond me). I did find out that it’s inventor was a Mr Sir Ian Newton. He was a scientist like me, but as he hasn’t played in a 1980s pop band as I have, you may not have heard of him. Anyway, one autumn day after hard day being scientific Mr Newton was resting under a tree when an apple (probably a Cox) fell on his head. Being very clever like me he got to thinking about apples and trees and stuff. He spent years (and lots of juicy apples) experimenting and soon had invented gravity. Although we now take it pretty much for granted it wasn’t until years after Newton’s death that gravity was accepted as existing. So poor old Mr Sir Ian never knew how his invention would enrich human lives, and make us very wary of resting in orchards. I hope that answers your question Arse.

With his fact complete I’m rushing off to meet my close friends Spandau Ballet in the Sainsco Cafe. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

(Above) Dr Cox tries to get to grips with an apple whilst explaining gravity earlier today

Hello, its hard to believe that we are now on day five of our very dangerous, lama escape dilema. Siege mentality is gripping those residents of the town who know about Fern Britton‘s fugitive lamas (“The Jackson Three”) and I am honoured to be the first to tell you that one of the 3 hairy runaways has been “taken out.” After two sightings near the Fruit Sellers Arms pub, word spread like wild fire and one of those inside the pub, enjoying a shandy and pork-scratchings, was have-a-go hero and local celeb (and also brother of Spandau Ballet’s Gary Kemp) Ross Kemp. Armed with only a beer mat, Ross ran out of the pub, leaving his unfinished half pint without any regard for his own safety, and rugby-tackled the smallest of the lamas by the postbox. Whilst knocking it to the ground and writhing around a lot, the other two cowardly camelid accomplices fled the scene. The young lama died in Ross’s tender embrace and has been formally identified by Mrs Britton’s in-house lama identifier, Doris Palmer, as being two-year old female lama, Janet Jackson (all the lamas at Fern Britton’s lama farm are named after her favourite 1970s and 80s pop and rock artists).

Ross Kemp was quoted after the incident as saying “did anyone get that on video?” before returning to his refreshing drink and telling anyone who would listen about his animal-capture heroics. So encouragingly, that’s one lama down, two to go. Please keep a look out for the hairy triumvirate, and let me know if you see them (Fern’s too busy to be contacted today as she like’s to spend Sundays sipping cocktails and seeing if she’s been mentioned in the papers). Who knows, maybe you’ll witness a half-cut Ross Kemp take out the other lamas before more loss of human life. Thanks for your time and let’s all encourage Mr Kemp to get out there and fight, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Tag Archives: Spandau Ballet

Who Invented Gravity?

Janet Jackson Taken Out In Lama Drama

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