Remember Remember The 5th Of November Is Actually Happening On The 8th

Hello all. Just a reminder that Beckworth’s bonfire celebrations will be happening on Saturday 8th not tomorrow night. Attractions will include an unlit bonfire (due to health and safety concerns), a candle-lit choir, vegetarian hot-dog stand and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made from bottle tops by the local branch of Alcoholics Anonymous. At 6.45 there will be a talk on the history of fireworks and stuff by Brian Cox (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the Peppa Pig band will be hosting an open-air festival. The main event will of course be local celeb Nick Clegg setting off over a dozen large “pet friendly” silent fireworks (due to health and safety concerns raised by the RSPCA). Also, not to be missed at 7.30 the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging the gun powder plot again this year (complete with horses, false-beards and real gun powder) in the scout hut, hopefully without the fire damage incurred last year. So see you there! G. Grimsby. Mayor

Real Life Dr Dolittle Dies

Hello. Sad news just in… Beckworth’s very own “celebrity” vet Dr Hilary Oxford OBE passed away in his sleep last night after a short illness. Mr Oxford, known to many as Dr Dolittle due to his (alleged) ability to speak many animal languages died at his home surgery surrounded by friends, family and his beloved animals. Due to having taken a doctor’s hypocritical oath he wasn’t allowed to discuss his patients cases and so spoke little of his linguistic abilities, apart from to friends down the pub and a national newspaper who paid for the stories. The doctor gained notoriety back in the 1970s when he was caught by Police trying to “chat up” a lady donkey, but the court found him “to be totally” nuts after he claimed “she” was his fiance. He was let off with a caution and thankfully allowed to return to being a vet. Unfortunately Mr Oxford never did marry, though said he had was never lacking (four-legged) female attention. In a long career helping animals meet their maker he is probably best remembered for accidentally putting down the Blue Peter dog Shep and for running over The Queen‘s favourite corgi whilst visiting Windsor. Less well known is that whilst at veterinary school in the 1930s Hilary invented Lego-like building blocks for dogs and cats, and was still trying to find a manufacturer at the time of his death. He will be sorely missed by all animal lovers. Christine Batley. Chief Veterinary Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Mr Oxford’s ex-fiance Ruby hears the news of his death earlier today