Local Dog Impressionist Injured During “Heated” Rehearsals

Shocking news just in… Late last night Barking Mad Billy Bristol, famed local dog-impersonator and controversial winner of this year’s Crufts‘ Best In Show, was injured whilst rehearsing the finale of his latest daring canine act. Mr Barking was practicing jumping through a burning hoop whilst dressed as a poodle when his costume caught fire and as a consequence his wooden-shed collapsed in on him. Fire, air-ambulance and RSPCA crews were quickly on the scene and at first thought the casualty was a real pooch, so good was Mr Bristol’s outfit and pain-induced howling. The crews worked tirelessly to extinguish the blaze and pull the pretend-poodle out from the smouldering shed and after three hours he was free. Unfortunately they failed to save Billy’s realistic costume and his own lustrous hair. He is now recovering in hospital and was well enough this morning to have breakfasted on a big bone and relieved himself against a lamppost outside A&E. I’ll keep you posted on Mr Mad’s recovery as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief Man Dressed As A Poodle Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Barking Mad Billy Bristol pictured earlier today before his near-fatal accident

Remember Remember The 5th Of November Is Actually Happening On The 8th

Hello all. Just a reminder that Beckworth’s bonfire celebrations will be happening on Saturday 8th not tomorrow night. Attractions will include an unlit bonfire (due to health and safety concerns), a candle-lit choir, vegetarian hot-dog stand and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made from bottle tops by the local branch of Alcoholics Anonymous. At 6.45 there will be a talk on the history of fireworks and stuff by Brian Cox (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the Peppa Pig band will be hosting an open-air festival. The main event will of course be local celeb Nick Clegg setting off over a dozen large “pet friendly” silent fireworks (due to health and safety concerns raised by the RSPCA). Also, not to be missed at 7.30 the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging the gun powder plot again this year (complete with horses, false-beards and real gun powder) in the scout hut, hopefully without the fire damage incurred last year. So see you there! G. Grimsby. Mayor