Make 2016 A Naturist New Year

Hello and happy new year. I trust you all enjoyed Christmas? I spent mine with my close friend Wayne and we met our new chum Helmut on a naturist’s skiing trip in the French Alps. Helmut taught us all about toasting marshmellows and warming our nuts on an open fire. But now we’re back in a cold and moist Beckworth making new year’s resolutions together. Helmut’s is to get local businesses to sponsor him getting a hair transplant and gaining British citizenship, Wayne’s is to loose 19 stone in 12 months and mine is to increase membership of your local naturists, the Beckworth and Slocombe branch. To this end, come rain, shine or arrest for indecent exposure I will be leafleting outside Sainsco every Saturday in the coming weeks whilst Wayne and Helmut do the weekly shop inside. So why not pick up a leaflet from me whilst you and the family are out doing the weekend shop and join up? We’re a friendly bunch so why not join us? Shape, creed, colour, age and sexual predilection are no matter to us, just the ability to live life fully without clothes on. I hope to see you all outside the Sainsco supermarket every Saturday. I’ll be the one wearing a smile, sandals and little else clutching a wad of pamphlets. Happy 2016. Best wishes,  Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

Beckworth_Naturist Shopping

(Above) My new friend Helmut shopping for hair-gel in Sainsco

New Years Honours List, Another Apology

A second swift retraction just in…. Lawyer’s for David Cameron‘s cousin Cyril are demanding we point out that he is not, as previously implied, actually the PM’s cousin. We are “happy” to clarify that Cyril, a high-profile Tory donor, is in fact Mr Cam’s brother-in-law and so not a blood relation. Thus he gained his new year’s honour in an above reproach fashion. We are of course happy to put the record straight, Christine Batley. Chief “Still Trying To Keep Out Of Court” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

New Years Honours List, An Apology

A swift retraction just in…. Lawyer’s for David Cameron‘s cousin Cyril are demanding we point out that he was not, as reported in the last hour, made a Duke for his truly pioneering “environmental” work on HS2 and Crossrail. We are “happy” to clarify and state he was promoted for his charitable works and his leadership role as a “Brown Owl” in the local Tory sponsored Crewbury scouts. Best wishes, Christine Batley. Chief “Trying To Keep Out Of Court” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Shock In New Years Honours List

Shocking political news just in…. Disgraced local ex-MP Nora Berlin is calling for a head-to-toe reform of the loathsome new years honours list. Ms Berlin a long time Tory member and ousted cabinet minister arrived home this morning from a Christmas skiing trip to find her name has been left off this year’s list. Despite being a long-time donor to the party and having “information” on many senior politicians across the house she wasn’t made a Dame as she’d openly predicted. Ms Nora, owner of a string of sex shops and tanning salons, says she will demand a recount and a personal apology from the PM himself unless she gets an OBE at the very least. I’ll keep you posted on this story as it unfolds… On a lighter note David Cameron‘s wife Sam was made a Duchess, his sister Nancy (a writer for the Mail) a CBE, and Mr Cameron’s dear old mum a Baroness. His cousin Cyril who’s already got an OBE was promoted and made a Duke, for his pioneering “environmental” work developing HS2 and Crossrail. So the honours list isn’t entirely corrupt as commonly assumed. Happy New Year, Christine Batley. Chief “Keep It In The Family Honours” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

The Spectator 180th Anniversary - Party

(Above) A clearly delighted David Cameron congratulates his clearly delighted wife Samantha on her becoming a Duchess earlier today

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to one and all… Let’s pray for peace and prosperity in 2016. I’m hoping sales of my eco-friendly concrete slippers take off this year… They never wear out so will never need replacing (no more shoes getting thrown away). Yours Clifford

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(Above) Mr Pinner with his locally crafted “green” concrete footwear