Alright fans, how ya doing? Missing me being on TV I’ll wager? Don’t worry I’ll be back on soon. In the meantime i’ve got a nifty new business venture for you… Are you too scared to invite poncy veggie friends round for a slap up dinner ’cause you only keep frozen meat in the house? Maybe you’re intimidated by cocky mates who know the difference between King Edwards and Granny Smiths? Or don’t want to look like a right muppet down the pub as you’ve said you grow your own? Maybe, just like me, you lead too hectic a celebrity life to keep fresh groceries in the house but want to impress birds with your fruit salad when you get them home after 18 pints and a ruby (a curry). If the answer is yes then my new delivery service is for you… Greg’s Fruit & Veg Hire. Simply put, i’m offering to rent out (and deliver on me bike) bowls of overripe “organic” fruit, handfuls of greens (sprouts, cabbage etc) or sacks of sad-looking spuds by the hour… for up to 6 months at a time!!! I must be nuts but, for a bit of extra cash, i’ll even cover the stuff in mud so you can look like you know your way around an allotment (but without having to lift a (green) finger or get your trendy hands dirty). So why not give me a try and give your “metrosexual” self-sufficiency image a boost. You can even text through orders if you just can’t be arsed to phone or pop in person. So what you waiting for? Fill your home with borrowed foodstuffs today. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers

(Above) Greg Wallace doing the rounds on his bicycle delivering rented groceries to Beckworth residents earlier today