Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Crisis Talks At The Big House… News Just In

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Exclusive breaking Royal news just in… Today a nervous Prince William joined his brother Harry, his Dad Charles, and beloved ancient Grandma (The Queen) in “crisis” talks to iron out details of how he and his American wife Meghan Markle could stop being Royalists and become parliamentarians or nationalists or something… The talks took place away from the glare of the tabloid media at the Queens holiday home in Slocombe (“Randy Bulls” static caravan park) and were said to have gone “well” despite Mrs Markle failing to get through on the phone… But i’ve been in contact with a close friend of one of Randy Bull’s security guards who said the outcome may have been cordial but there was lots of screaming, crying, fists thumping during the talks… Then they found out that was just Prince Philip trying to get into the Queens caravan. The security guard, who was listening at a window, says Mr & Mrs Markle demands include wanting to be able to market being “ex” Royals to make lots of cash, as they “want to out Beckham the Beckhams”… The ex-Prince is hoping to launch his own brand of of male grooming products (and wants to take style tips from Mr Beckham, such as getting tattoos and wearing vests), and Mrs Meg wants to get business advice from Victoria so she can launch a jewellery brand, Markle’s Royal Sparkles, to sell fake crowns, orbs and tiaras, etc. I wish Mr & Mrs Markle good luck and every success, especially with the cheap jewellery. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Retirement Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

The Real Reason Princess Meghan & Her Husband To Step Down From Royal Duties

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Exclusive breaking Royal news just in… Today everyone woke up to the sad news that Prince William and his wife Meghan Markle are to step down from Royal duties and become just plain Mr & Mrs, but i’ve been in close contact with a close friend of Meghans to dig deeper and find the truth behind the headlines… Mrs Markle’s confidant let me know the real reason they want to retire early and move to the USA when I was promised to keep the truth secret. But being an investigative journalist means I must betray their trust and let my dear readers know the truth. Especially as the real reason is so banal. Megan’s lady-in-waiting said that whilst Mrs Markle wants to spend time with her baby son George not working for the rest of life is primarily so she can spend time with her Mum when her Mum retires in the next few months. Her mum, German President Angela Merkel, has always been very close to her daughter and Mrs Angula is said to consider son-in-law Prince William as her own flesh and blood, especially as he’s of German descent. Therefore he’s happy to get learn a trade and get a “normal job”, perhaps plumbing as he loves pipes, to support his new extended family. It is said that William’s Dad Prince Charles is livid as he’d always hoped his son would become a gardener like himself. I personally wish Mr & Mrs Markle good luck and a happy life together. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Retirement Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Happy New Year My Fellow Beckworthians

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Happy New Year to all Beckworthians. I hope this message finds you well rested and ready to work extra hard this year (and decade). I myself have been away for my annual two week jaunt to the magical and hot far east and so once again missed out on Beckworth’s New Years’ eve (council funded) entertainment on the rain sodden sports field. I have been told by many of my staff that all went smoothly… The traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to 2019) eventually happened thanks to the last minute purchase of petrol from the 24 hour garage and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth was a great success to welcome in 2020. Once again due to council cut backs there was no breathtaking pyrotechnic display this year, but the money saved is better spent going towards good causes such as having a new large TV and Alexa in the Mayoral office. Also worth a mention is that this year the Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim was well attended, with three people taking part, although one was unintentional and needed rescuing by our brave boys and girls of the fire brigade, bravo to them. So here’s to a prosperous new decade. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

A Few Tickets Still On Sale For Tonight’s Hootananny

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Just to let you know that a few dozen tickets are still available for tonight’s New Years’ Eve Hootananny bash. I’m glad to say that Jesus’s favourite folk trio The Faith Tones will be performing (as a key member of the group has been let out on parole)… The infamous God-bothering “all-female” trio, will be playing tracks from their last Christmas LP 21 Songs for Jesus’s Birthday.… Doors open at 6.30, and tickets cost £115.69 which will probably include a “light” buffet of the pub’s Christmas leftovers and out of date snacks. So join us to see in the new decade in style. Let’s hope it’s better than 2010s (which have been frankly rubbish and saw me divorced for the fifth time, have three hip replacements and nearly lose the pub)… Tonight’s featured ale is Boris’s Pale Ale and we’ve a got a few old ore-loved Christmas cracker hats to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as Jesus or a disciple (or his mum or dad). So see you later. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Postponed Swimming Race Happening Tomorrow… Probably

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Hello Beckworth. This is your beloved leader speaking. Just to let you know that due to unforseen circumstances we have postponed todays traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. Some silly bugger has poured raw stinky sewage into the river, which means it can’t be swam in… until tomorrow at the earliest. Inspectors say the river should hopefully be “less brown and odorous” by then. The local water board, who’s dangerously faulty sewage works is adjacent to the River Winnet, say it’s not them and I for one believe them. The inspectors have also warned those living close to the river to take immediate action and move to the upstairs floors in case the sewage makes the river burst it’s fragile banks. Race organiser (and MP) Hilary Benn says she hopes to reschedule the race asap, but if not we’ll run it in mid-summer. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.

Midnight Mass & Tomorrows Church Services

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Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly later time of 1.15am this evening due to the BBC showing film The Last Temptation Of Christ on telly. It’s a favourite of mine. And also i’m going to a dinner party earlier in the evening which i’m very excited about as the host is a great cook and always has amazing wines. And a large telly. As always during the festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the carols. And could you all bring festive food and presents to the church, which we will distribute to the local homeless tomorrow. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this evening at 1.15.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Beckworth_Choristers

(Above) Church warden Noddy Holder and some of his wonderful Slade Singers

 

Merry Christmas To (Almost) One & All Of You

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Hello Beckworth. This is your glorious leader speaking. I wanted to take this opportunity to wish almost all of you a wonderful Christmas, and to ask for you to be vigilant. Yesterday some mindless vandals vandalised my precious 2 year old BMW, removing something called a Calorific Converter, rendering the car immobile. They also left white dog poo on my gravel driveway. MAY THEY ROT THIS FESTIVE SEASON!!!! If you witnessed either event please inform the Police, we need this scum off the streets NOW. Also if you have a posh car I can borrow until mine is fixed I would be very grateful. It would need delivering to my home asap with a full tank of petrol and travel sweets in the glove-box. Thanking you most warmly, Merry Christmas. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.

Dear Prof Cox Why Do We Have A Shortest Day?

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Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your handsome, well groomed mentor Prof Brian Cox here, and although i’m busily directing my servants to correctly dress my new Christmas Tree and then i’m attending a celebs only Christmas party, i’m contractually obliged to write you this missive…Therefore, I’m once again using my immense knowledge of the universe to improve your lives. Today, is known as “the shortest day” but how many of us know why? The answer isn’t easy to come by and we must venture back to the time of the baby Jesus to find out… But not literally, I can’t time travel. Yet.

In the time of Jesus no cared, or had probably notice, that each day or week were different lengths… Some days could last 26 or 27 hours, sometimes just 17 hours, weeks could go on for weeks… and they lost count of how many months were in a year or when to start or finish a year. Time was in a right old mess. And it was not helped by a lack of clocks, or watches (no one had smart phones so that way of keeping time alluded them). But one day a wiseman who’d followed yonder start to visit the baby Jesus decided enough was enough. He is quoted in the bible as saying “Due to a lack of accurate time keeping i’m not sure if we wisemen are early for the birth, just in time, or days late… We’re as dumb as the shepherds who’ve come for a gander” It was the latter statement that clearly rattled the wisemen… Something had to be done. And Jesus’s dad Joseph, being a carpenter, was called upon to help the wisemen build a time-piece. Joseph jumped at the chance, he was looking for an excuse to get back to work, leave his wife Mary and their baby and get back into his wood working shed (they were not the enlightened PC times we live in now)…

After a month or two (no one is sure how long as time was only created when the time piece was finished) the large clock was finished and set to 12.00 GMT. Thats when time began. The wisemen divided days into 24 hours and hours into 60 minutes, with each minute being one minute long (seconds weren’t invented for a few thousand years after, as the clock didn’t have a seconds hand). People were very grateful that the wisemen had invented time, they now knew when to go to bed, when to get up, eat, go to the toilet even celebrate birthdays… but as is often the way after a few years people grew bored and restless of regimented time.

To remedy this the wisemen decided that some days could be shorter than others, it added some fun to time keeping. And the Bible tells us they were fun guys, always playing tricks and telling blue jokes. So a handful of days were chosen (at random) to be a few minutes, or hours shorter… The shortest was chosen to be on the baby Jesus’s birthday. A sort of belated present. Unfortunately they got the date slightly wrong, but no one really cared. They were just pleased to have some different length days. And that is why today is considerably shorter than yesterday or tomorrow.

There you go, another “Did You Know This” fact complete. I’m off to the hospital now as I’m giving some of my DNA (from my beautiful luscious hair) to the NHS to cure all illnesses. Happy Christmas, Prof Brian Cox.

Labour Blame BBC For Losing Election…

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Latest Political Fall Out…. Yes Labour has announced that they lost votes not because Corbyn was a frail leader or that many of its supporters wanted to leave the EU, but because the BBC were bullies and always slagged off left wing nutters within the party… Meanwhile the pathetic Lib Dems blame Labour for losing (work that one out), the Brexit party blame a poor turn out on Amazon Prime showing a Grand Tour special on Thursday evening keeping its supporters from voting and the Conservatives believe Channel 4′s attractive ice sculpture got them elected, but they still want to close it down… And the BBC… And ITV…