Chip Shop’s Epic Fail

Hello. Once again i’m duty bound to send a message of condolence to the losers of last night’s Chip Shop World Championships. Just like last year, our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah crashed out of the competition televised on the Playboy channel. This time they were thrown out on a technicality, as they accidentally food-poisoned the judges (due to serving still-frozen fish). Head chef Rick Stein had tried to pull out all the stops even unveiling a world first, deep fried battered tomato soup (in a deep fried bowl), but all his chippy attempts failed to impress the vomitting judges. Marks were also lost for trying to bribe the very ill judges. Better luck next time to our local chippers. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Rick Stein’s daughter Frankie models some cold chips earlier today

First Ever Beckworth Carnival On Tomorrow

In recognition of Beckworth’s vibrant West Indian community moving into 47 Al Green Close 50 years ago, tomorrow we will hosting the town’s very first carnival since medieval times. Think of it as a very small untrendy version of Notting Hill, without the sound systems, crowds and floats but still with plenty of fun the whole family… See you there
G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) An artists impression of the inaugral Beckworth Carnival

New Sculpture Unveiled

Hello all. What a momentous morning Beckworth has had today, with the unveiling of the town’s latest piece of public art. Due to heightened security (thanks to unfortunate death-threats from riled local council-tax payers) it was a very low key event hence the publicity blackout. The 14′ high piece “A Beautiful World Basks In It’s Own Refection” was commissioned by myself to celebrate my 5 years as mayor and was sculpted in concrete by famed artist, and antique news reader, Fiona Bruce. We were very fortunate to have Bruce herself unveil it and she told the assembled crowd of three that the sculture took her almost 18 months to make. I’m sure you’ll agree it was well worth the £5.3 million we payed for it and will be wonderful addition to Beckworth sited outside the council dump. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) The scupture “A Beautiful World Basks In It’s Own Refection”

New Football Season Kicks Off On Saturday…

Hello. Just a reminder that both our local footballl teams (the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals) will be in “action” this weekend. Both teams are playing at home in their first new season matches in the Co-Operative FuneralCare League and in preparation the pitch has been drained and the molehills flattened. And after much fund-raising the supporters bench has at long-last been repainted. In orange. Good luck to both teams, let’s hope this season see’s a performance improvement for the men’s team, for the last 13 seasons they’ve had a 100% match defeat record. Thankfully we have a stronger women’s team to pin our cup hopes on and plans are afoot to put together a LGBT team this year, once we’ve thought of a snappy team name and got a non-offensive sponsor for the colourful strip i’ve designed. Good luck to all players. G. Grimsby. Mayor (and linesman)

Strike Warning

Hello. Just thought i’d let forewarn you all that the council’s IT department is due to have it’s annual strike around the 24th July. This year’s strike has been agreed with management as staff are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all weekday afternoons. We are a very fair employer but this demand is not really feasible as neither of the IT-ers have internet at home, although they do have Sky, paid for by the council (negotiated during last year’s strike). Also the IT duo already “work” Friday afternoons from home so they can enjoy both lunch time and happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. So, we’re hoping to go to arbitration in early August to resolve this year’s IT strike amicably and quickly. Sorry in advance for any inconvenience caused, G. Grimsby. Mayor

Birthday Parade This Sunday

Hello all. Just a reminder that this weekend’s Joan Collins’s Birth Day Parade will be slighter shorter than hoped due to the roadworks on Madonna Lane. Anyone hoping to catch this spectacle in it’s entirety should arrive early, at 9.30am by the library steps, where the the floats will set off. Or greet the parade at it’s conclusion at 9.45am in the drive-thru MacDonalds. Birthday girl Joan Collins (92 years young) will be dressing as a Ronald MacDonald due to a sponsorship deal. We are hoping the Red Arrow’s will perform a flypast and that army general, and local celeb, Ross Kemp will be able to overcome a recent illness to lead the floats and marching band on his bicycle. See you there, weather permitting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Joan Collins tries on her costume in readiness for Sunday

Advance Warning: Street Closures Tomorrow

Hello. Just to say that the high street, near the Undertakers, and Madonna Lane will be partially closed tomorrow when the hustings descend on our town. Labour‘s Ed Milliband, Conservative “Diddy” Dave Cameron and the SNP‘s Nicola Sturgeon have all decided to visit the marginal seat of Beckworth South on the same day. We all clearly remember the parties doing the same back in 2010 when it decended into chaos as Gordon Brown offered Mr Cameron “out”. Let’s hope this time the politicians can control themselves better. The LibDem‘s Nick Clegg and UKIP‘s Nigel Farrage are due to visit on Wednesday but as we’re expecting a low turn out of support we’re not closing any roads that day. many thanks G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) An artists’s impression of what tomorrow’s road closure could look like

Local Antique Lady’s Fish Win’s May Day Race

Hello. I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race as much as I. Even having some Green Party pranksters throwing washing powder into the river (some sort of demonstration about water polution) hardly delayed the race. The protestors were caught by angered locals before they could do too much damage and there weren’t too many people taken to A&E. Congratulations to local lass, and antique TV presenter, Fiona Bruce whose pet sturgeon, Nicola, won the race in an almost record time. It was the first time Fiona and Nicola the Sturgeon had raced in the event, so well done. Fiona stated that a daily swim in the bath followed by a treat of a cup of hot chocolate had really paid off with Nicola. Well done to all. G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) A clearly delighted Fiona Bruce with her race-winning pet sturgeon Nicola

May Day Fish Race

Hello all. Just a reminder that this bank holiday Monday it will be the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. A fun morning for most of the family, but please remember to keep all cats indoor. We don’t want a repeat of last year when Robson Green‘s winning goldfish Rose was maimed by a tabby just after the medals were given out.

Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 11 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local cook, and TV’s 2nd favourite Masterchef host, John Torode (himself a big fan of fish).

Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Last year’s winner Robson Green with a pre-”accident” Rosie